One heck of a lucky girl

Sometimes I'm really amazed at what a blessed life I have.
So much so nowadays I often find it hard to believe how miserable I let myself feel as a kid.
I really can't figure out what I have done to deserve such a good life.

I remember someone said I was crazy when I told her that I was nervous about how good my life was and that I was really afraid that something bad will come and ruin it.
Don't get me wrong.... I'm not saying my life is perfect. In fact, it's on the other end of the universe from perfection. It is so imperfect with the numerous "holes" in it that I know "some people" are really worried about me. My dear grandma and my wacky parents, for example.

However, I really truly believe that God has bestowed upon me a life so good that sometimes I can't help but feel guilty that I'm enjoying it so much. I feel guilty sometimes that I still have so many things I ask for in my prayers.
I keep telling myself that I need to "return" at least part of the blessings that I have received, to do my bit for the society I suppose. But the sad truth is I haven't done anything remotely close to adequate in this area. I haven't done anything. Period.

Every now and then I'm reminded of a plan I once had to get myself involved in a charity work.
"Soon", I keep telling myself , "Once I have at least settled down a bit. Once I have at least figured out where to stay."
I just hope I get to keep my promise before it's too late.

I am a strong believer of karma.
I might not be a devout buddhist who knows the sutras by heart, but I believe in the basic principles.
However, I do wonder if any good deeds done out of guilt, out of fear for losing the good life that one has -- in other words out of selfishness, still has its merits.
I doubt it.
But then again, I'm thinking: Heck, I'm human afterall!
Show me one man (or make that woman) with no fear and no trace of selfishness.
(OK, I'll let you have the late Mother Teresa. Anyone else?)
So I figure,something... anything is better than nothing, regardless of the motive.

Now...., if I can just figure out a way to get things moving.
Or actually, I suppose I should figure out where to stay put first.