Just going thru a relapse

(Lagi kumat aja mellow-nya.... Pls excuse me)


Kadangkala aku bertanya
dimana cinta berada
tersembunyi tiada kunjung menghampiri

Dua angsa memadu rindu
di danau biru bercumbu
pagut sepi ku di sini
letih hati

Begitu jauh
waktu ku tempuh
sendiri mengayuh
biduk kecil, hampa berlayar
akankah berlabuh ?
hanya diam
menjawab kerisauan

Kadangkala aku berkhayal
seorang di ujung sana
juga tengah menanti
tiba saatnya

Begitu ingin
berbagi batin
mengarungi hari
yang berwarna
dimana dia
pasangan jiwaku ?
ku mengejar bayangan
kian menghilang


- Pasangan Jiwa (Katon Bagaskara)-

Klakustik-Tak Bisa Ke Lain Hati

Part of the music I grew up with...

There goes my plan...

http://www.slate.com/id/2256212/?GT1=38001

A nite with Geoffrey Archer

Actually really wanted to go out to beerfest today. Thought that would be fun but couldn't get anyone to go with me. I think it'd be bloody boring to go by myself.

I do have an invitation from a friend to join him and his friends for a world cup session, but considering my level of understanding of the game, I was worried that I'd just end up annoying them with my questions. Anyway considering I just had wine last nite with some of the girls from NUS, I have decided it maybe a good idea to cut down on alcohol and give it a pass.

For one thing, I am starting to see alcohol as really expensive additional calories... Not that I don't enjoy it but I suppose I really need to start cutting down as much as I can both on cost and calories. 4Cs should be my motto from now on: Cut Cost, Cut Calories :P

So... I guess tonight it's just me, Geoffrey Archer's Lucifer Network and perhaps some Jason Mraz in between.

Julia Fordham - Happy Ever After

Don't ask me why....

This tune just started buzzing in my head a few days ago....

I would hear this song once in a while, here and there... but I never knew the title.

Never one to memorize titles and lyrics to start with.

And I struggled before finally finding this on youtube. Somehow the buzzing sound in my head had been a guy... guess I was wrong :P

I love female singers with sexy, husky vocals.

Gosh I am really nervous. Not really quite sure how to face the holy trinity when I come forward with my plan. God help me....

Repeat note to self: Cool as cucumber. Cool as cucumber. Cool as cucumber....

August 2010

I have just realized I stopped working out after grandma passed away.

Just the other day someone asked why I stopped going to the gym.

I couldn't remember clearly why. Maybe subconsciously I tried my best to wipe out my life around that time.Well, but then again maybe I just have selective short-term memory span.

I did pick up swimming though. I did learn to swim though only breast stroke.

I have not managed to do proper front crawl before my trainer moved to Dubai for work.

Lost the momentum and have not gone back to it ever since.

August 2010.

I promise.

I will be back.

Damn! My English is seriously rusty...

One year has passed....

I'm glad I didn't have to be alone today. My brother, sis-in-law and the two goofballs, i.e. my niece and nephew are in town. Dad also happened to be in town. We went out for dinner. Dad then went home while the rest of us went to catch Karate Kid.

Exactly one year ago, 12 June 2009, was the day I lost my maternal grandmother. I will always remember how she still tried to comfort me as I cried and held her in my arms. I will always remember walking back to the emergency ward with her on the stretcher. I just wish I had held her hands tight then.

12 June 2009 was a horrible day and the impeccable impression I had of the healthcare system in Singapore is totally tarnished forever. I still believe she was a victim of a terrible system. High volume of cases public hospitals have to manage should not be an excuse.

The trials and tribulations did not stop there, and almost immediately after losing my grandma, my family and I had to struggle with a major crisis at home and for the first time in a very, very long while, beyond just wishing everything was a bad dream, I actually wished that I could just go to sleep and not wake up again. The temptation to buckle was very strong. There were days when I would wake up from sleep with tears in my eyes. There were days when I really felt numb and stoned. It felt as if part of me had died that year.

Fortunately, I am blessed with a handful of very good friends who supported me all the way and patiently listened to all the drama I had to share. Until one day, I got fed up burying myself in my own tears. I told myself I had to be strong and survive and tried to relate the same message to my family: The more the world wants to see us buckle, drop down and die, the more we have to prove them wrong.

For a period of time, I couldn't bring myself to blog. Whenever I tried to, nothing would come out. It was quite hard to shift out the things that were overloading my mind, which was mostly filled with problems, negativity, frustrations and despair.

That is not how I wanted to remember my life.

So I decided to stop blogging. I decided to ride the waves first and savor every flavor that life throws at me: The bitter, the sour, the salty and the sweet. I stood there at the beach and I challenged the ocean. Bring it on, I said. As I stepped into the water, I took a quick look at the soft stretch of white sands and promised myself that I would be back, stronger than ever.

The following is not exactly a captain's log. Not exactly a list of achievements, as I haven't really done much. Just simply doing some stock-taking. I suppose. So here we go: The following are some of the things I have done or gone through in the past year, in no particular order:

• Traveled to two more countries in Asia Pacific: Australia and Japan.
• Bought my first ridiculously-priced branded bag: I love the soft yet sturdy leather but it's seriously one bad case of an impulsive buy. I'm planning to extract the maximum amount of mileage of this bag.
• Saw how a closely-knit family was torn with the departure of the matriarch: Nothing can stop greed and ego, I suppose.
• Was a bridesmaid for the second time. It was my first in Jakarta and I think it's more fun in Singapore.
• Was a "brother" (groomsmen in Singapore) for the first time: I'm quite sure this would be the last, too.
• Found my soul mate.
• Realized it was all an illusion: No soul mate was found and the most wonderful time of my life had to end in less than 2 months. Previously, I had never believed in the idea of handing over one's happiness in the hand of another, but somehow before I knew it, I was doing it. I was weak and scared. In my desperate search for assurance, I wanted to tap on the confidence that he always exudes, to lead me out of my black hole and remove all the lingering questions. I suppose that was too much to ask of anyone and I have no one else to blame but myself for this. It was all my fault. Luckily, we kind of sorted things out. We will always be friends (I hope) and I have learned a lot from the brief adventure. One of the lessons learnt: Unless you're prepared to put your friendship at stake when you make that leap of faith, stick to being friends.
• While I did not cry when we spoke, or when I sent the sms after that ( Yes, we are of the new generation and my decision went out by sms), for a while it felt like another bit of me died all over again. I was back in limbo and in my attempt to break free, decided to challenge myself. In this case, I went on my very first blind date. When I say blind, I seriously went in blind. Not as in meeting a visually-impaired guy kind-of-way, of course. I just went out with a total stranger. Not through a dating agency or anything corny like that. OK, so we did exchange pictures, but for all I know, everything he had said about himself might be a huge lie. I don't think it was awful and the 4.5 hr chat was quite interesting but I suppose there is really no future there. I am just glad I am properly trained in my alcoholism and despite a few rounds of martini, my head was still screwed on right and I turned down his invitation to go to his place that night. However, out of curiosity (and boredom, I suppose), I did go out with him again for a movie on a week-night. Relax... nothing happened. He did ask me to give him a call again, but I don't think I will be doing that. I just don't feel like doing it.
• Was a maid-of-honor for the first time and saw two of my best friends finally tying the knot. It was a good day, although I will forever regret my excellent reflex that day: Shouldn't have responded so fast when the inexperienced MC called my name by mistake. Damnit. (Sorry, roomie...)
• Finally closing my very own major deal, or at least I think it is. About 1.5 years from the first time I touched base with the client, and about 8 months after I secured the exclusive appointment, the client has finally signed the Letter of Offer. The message is clear: Persistence and perseverance does pay (occassionally).
• For the first time, closed two cases in one week with another client confirming to close yet another deal as soon as we clear their legal. Two-and-a-half deal in a week ain't that bad, right?
• Finally sold my soul to the devil and I am afraid I may be forever in debt till the day I die. Well, at least I won't have to worry about awkward situations staying at my own place and I believe my banker, aka my dad, will be quite friendly. So yea... I'm so looking forward to August.
• Found myself to be the last one standing officially at my second home in this island: At work. Everyone from the old gank has left and I am the only one still around. While I keep telling everyone that it's just life -- people come and people go --- occasionally the dark side would come and take a stab at me and the loneliness and sadness would creep in. I have been looking but not much luck so far. I have however, squeezed a promotion and a measly raise from my boss and turned down 1 offer. I have one offer in hand, which I may be turning down very soon. The push is just not as strong with the new project I have in hand and the pull is just not as strong as I had hoped for. One thing is for sure: I will continue to be on the lookout.

I don't know what life has in store for me next. But after what I have gone through the past year, I know for sure that I will ride the waves and survive.

It will take a while before I can stop crying whenever I see grandma's photo and I still miss my mom's laughter. I am worried about my father and my brother, my sis-in-law and the kids. I am also worried I am not spending enough time with my grandfather.

I also still worry about my career and my future.

And while I will have a home very soon, I am still looking for my "home".

But, whatever it is, BRING IT ON!!

BRING IT ON, LIFE!!

I'm not scared of you.

I am a survivor.