Transit point

So.... the offer is finally out there.
Mom and Dad were in town (Mom still is), to attend my cousin's wedding.

With some persuasion from Mom, Dad finally asked me if I'd like to just take it easy and go back home, rather than slaving myself away over here. They both tried to convince me that Dad can easily offer me twice my monthly salary just to go home (only goes to show how little I make now). Basically all I have to do is.... nothing but argue with him every now and then ( more like every day) on his crazy ideas and occassionally irrational business decisions.

My first instinct was: "Finally..... I thought you'd never ask" :P
The next mili-second, I thought to myself that it really was not what I wanted.
And then the next mili-second, I remembered my bro's grey hair. OK, so maybe he was born with one strand but it's gotten really bad the past few years. And then I remember Mom who just told me she hasn't shopped for clothes for the longest time (Hint: Noone to take her shopping back home. While I think she was exaggerating a bit, I think she was just trying to convince me to go back. (P.s. I bought her a top when I decided to venture out to Orchard for a few hours. The 3-hr of wandering around left me dead beat as I am still actually feeling quite weak from this crazy flu).

One final question that popped up in my head though had to do with something I told myself when I left US a few years back.

I had told myself that I needed to be closer to my family. At the end of the day, they are the most important people in my life, more important than myself.
And Singapore was meant to be a transition. Closer but not too close. An extended transit point to allow myself some time to readjust to the culture, and to my family. Like it or not, 4 years total submersion in a totally different culture can change a person quite a lot.

So now the question is, when does this transit end? When is my next flight out?
Or, is there still a flight out to begin with?

my wish list

Things I wish I could do right now (in no particular order or ranking):

• Skydiving
• Tie myself to a bunch of helium balls (like that pastor who went missing a few weeks ago)
• Go to a particular person and ask her,"What the bloody hell have I done to deserve this?"
• Go to the same particular person and ask her, "Don't you think you're just being menopausal here?"
• Find a memory-erasing service (think the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- I LUUURVE the movie btw)
• Quit my job and go some place where I can bum around and be pathetic (hope roomie's offer is still valid)
• Strike TOTO (perhaps should start by actually buying TOTO?)
• Become my own boss (I promise.... I will be the most supporting boss you can ever imagine. Except when you double-cross me, of course :P)
• Find my "home" (Roomie would know what I'm talking about).
• Find my happiness
• 3-day/3-nite movie marathon, including indiana jones, lord of the ring, etc.
• Pop a magic pill that will stop my niece and nephew from growing up (and having to face life and all the problems in it)
• Quit my job and train full time to lose all my excess weight in 2 months.
• Quit my job and go study mandarin full time, then just teach simple mandarin to innocent children for really good money back home.
• And the list goes on....

Agendas

Everyone has his or her own agenda, and I believe at the end of the day they all do things with the best intentions at heart.

Dad and Mom don't seem to care much what I do and where I do it, as long as I can make good money. They are a bit concerned that I seem to be putting in a lot of effort for very little return. And they would rather I focus on finding someone decent and settling down (Note: Dad seems to have convinced himself since gazillion years ago that as long as I can overcome my weight issue, my prince charming will pop out from thin air.lolz....). Being the wonderful parents that they area, they really actually have been thinking about buying a property here to facilitate my "settling down" process.

Despite her occasional breakthrough moments from her old school thoughts, such as the time when she tried to give me tips on how to pick up guys at the airport check-in counter, Grannie believes I should continue to slog it out at work, as that it's what people do when they start to build their career. She thinks my hometown is a horrid place with no much future and since I have managed to get my permanent residency in this tiny island, she believes it's a good start and Dad should support me by getting me a place for myself. If he can afford to get a bigger place, she can then move in also and "take care" of me (Note: Dad believes that I am Grannie's fave granddaughter, to which I must say I sometimes wonder if there is some truth to this). With this in mind, Grannie has been bugging Dad about buying a unit under my name, not having the slightest clue that the market went through the roof a while back and a crash really is quite unlikely despite the slowdown.

I think Bro finds that I am wasting my time here, slaving myself away for a measly amount as my paycheck. I must say I agree on the latter part, but I'm still undecided about the first. Anyway, he feels that I am in a way just going through my denial phase and that I should just pack up and go home. He doesn't see any future for me in Singapore as he finds the market too small, the latter being something that we have actually somehow discussed and agreed on at a very early stage, when we were still in school. With this in mind, apparently he has been totally opposing the idea of any purchase of property in this island, as he sees this as facilitating my prolonged period of denial. He managed to sway Mom a bit, and she called this morning. After much small talks, she eased in the topic, " Your Bro thinksyou will never come back if we get you a place for your own. That's not true, right?".

I believe I haven't seen enough of the world. I haven't learned enough about this industry I really quite love. Anything involving buildings and developments actually. But then again, I suppose a timeframe and a deadline should be drawn as learning is a never-ending process.
And also, come to think of it, back home is also a part of the "world". And I have also believed in the potential of the place. It's just such a huge market.

And to be honest, I don't think I have made peace with myself. There is still that other reason that's holding me back from going home. Once I can really close that chapter of my life, then maybe it will be an easier call to make.

O well.... think I want to go back to enjoying my long weekend now.

Yay! fish spa therapy and lunch and movie. all in one tomorrow afternoon.

so looking forward to it.....

dumb and dumber, numb and number, low and lower

Some days are ok... and some days you just get by, and there are yet other days where you just feel like digging your own hole and hide.

Some days I really wish I had a magic pill that I can pop to boost my brain power to super power level (especially when work is involved).
Yet some days I wish someone would come and take away all my memories.
And there are other days, when it is those exact memories that give me hope.....

The mind is funny,
and the heart is funnier.
Humans are funny,
and life is even funnier.

Happy Mother's Day, Ma!

I have always wanted to post something about my Mom.
Somehow I just never really got around to do it and suddenly I remembered the other day.

And considering it's Mother's Day today , I suppose the timing couldn't have been any better.



Anyway, I just want to say, I love you, Ma!

You drive me nuts most of the time, but I LOVE YOU!

While I remember as a little girl somehow managing to convince myself that I was really adopted (guess we can probably blame it on those dramas I used to watch), I really cannot imagine what my life would be without you.

Thanks for coming up with such a wacky name for me that I almost always get compliments for such a "unique" name (although now in my current job, the first 20-30 seconds in any of my phone calls with a new contact is always spent on spelling my name).

Thanks for finally deciding to hold me after it took you three days to be convinced that I really was yours and not someone else's switched baby at the hospital (although I'm not sure I quite like the idea that the only reason you were convinced was because you found that I looked as ugly as your mother-in-law, aka. my grandma).

Thanks for all the good food you cooked for us (although I have to blame you for not letting us take our own sweet time to finish our meal as now people comment that I eat way too fast for a girl).

Thanks for lying to me that the thinly-sliced mushroom that I wouldn't have touched was actually "deep-sea fish with no eyes" so that I would eat it, as fish was my fave food.

Thanks for scaring Bro to shit when you lied that I was gonna die from the bubble gum he bought me (which I swallowed accidentally). It really makes a good story to tell any new friends that I make.

(No) thanks for (again) scaring Bro to shit when you tied me up and pretended that you were going to dump me down the trash chute, as again, it's another good story to share with my friends (although I'm still trying to decide whether or not I mind that much that you actually tied me up).

Thanks for scaring both of us to shit when you used to throw us a plastic bag and pretended to kick us out of the house whenever Bro and I had a fight ( although I'm still trying to decide whether or not the traumatic experience really makes a good strategy in a child's upbringing. Nevertheless.. again, it makes another story to share with friends).

Thanks for being the loud, spontaneous person that you are, coz that is what I have seem to become (although must say I'm not sure if it's a good thing despite my enjoying it). Thanks for showing me that it's ok to laugh out loud and that I don't always have to constantly restrain myself.

Thanks for embedding in my mind very early on in my childhood, that if anyone else can do it, there is no reason why I cannot (although that was also part of the reason I went against your wish and insisted on pursuing a degree in architecture).

Thanks for scrimping and saving like mad so we kids can get a comfortable life and don't have to worry about anything.

Thanks for telling me that while you might not be able to provide us with luxury, we didn't have to worry about education as you and Dad will make sure we get the best and that all we had to do was study (although from the way you complained about my having wasted too much time studying, I'm sure you're regretting it now after my master's degrees).

Thanks for teaching me to go for what I want, by telling me to go and ask the teacher myself when I wanted to skip to a higher class in kindergarten. Although it took me a whole week (not to mention the stomachache I had every morning before I stood up and went up to the teacher's desk before class started) and I was on probation for a few weeks, I managed just fine.

Thanks for teaching me that even when a girl finds love and gets married, there is no reason why she has to depend on her husband. Shit happens, you taught me, and you never know when he's going to die or leave you (although I think I'm driving you nuts by further developing this teaching into one in which marriage is not really that big of a deal).

Thanks for not raising me as a tai-tai wannabe (coz I think I would've been so depressed and suicidal as I really don't have what it takes to be one). On hindsight, I wonder if you changed your strategy, realizing that I didn't have what it takes to make it as one.

Thanks (to you and Dad) for giving me a protected childhood -- and adulthood (although I didn't fully realize how sheltered I was until only recently).

Thanks for inspiring me by starting to pick up yahoo-messaging & video conference on 3G phone at your age. Most of my friends also found it impressive.

No thanks to you for your constant nagging at my driving, and for insisting to sit in the back whenever you're in my car (and making me look like a driver), as you yourself hit 130km/hr without any hesitation when you started to drive full-time in the past year or so (while I cringed, pretended to sleep and quietly buckled my seat belt in the back seat).

Thanks for finally breaking that wall you had created for yourself, that took away any of your interest in travelling. Thanks for getting the travel bug and realizing that there is almost no limit for you when you climbed up Huangshan despite the minor limp you have from polio. Now I really look forward to our family trips despite your occassional "war" with Dad, which is almost always guaranteed. Oh and perhaps if you can cut down on souvenir shopping (Seriously, there is no law or requirement that you must get every single employee you have a personal souvenir from each and every single trip you go to. Seriously, it's not illegal to just go and enjoy yourself).

Thanks (to you and Dad) for showing me what giving and generousity is, particularly in one's family. Blood is definitely always thicker than water.

Thanks (to you and Dad) for making me who I am today. I might not have done you much proud, but please do know that I am trying my best. I really am.

Thanks, Mom (and Dad). And as I told Bro before when I couldn't sleep from nightmares as a kid, I want to be your daughter again in my next life, and my next next life, and the next next next life... and forever.

Hope you'll take me again.

I'm waiting for someone to blow up any second now...

Another chicken or egg question

I'm really not sure which one comes first, but I seem to have this pattern going.

I've noticed that my mood always goes down the hill when I don't go to gym.
But then again, I'm thinking I only don't go to gym because I really cannot make it or I'm just having one of those days where sh*tty is middle name.

So, the question is, am I feeling sh*tty now because I'm not working out enough to get that endorphin/adrenaline boost? Or am I not working out enough because I am feeling sh*tty?

End of the day, all I know is.... I'm still feeling sh*tty.

HB commented that this particular note i posted a few days ago looked like a closure entry.
I told her all I can say is I am trying.

Then today I found myself still a bit sad over a silly thing.

As expected I suppose..... think I still have a really long way to go.

It's Sunday sickness, not Monday blues.

When one has problem breathing, accelerated heart beat and nauseaus feeling every Sunday evening, ....... what does it say really?

KEN LEE!!!!!!

My friend, PL, couldn't stop calling for Ken Lee on msn after watching this video.
I'm afraid I won't be able to see her in the same light again after tonite.

And for God's sake, KEN LEE!!! Can't you just please come out, stop hiding and save us all from her?!?!?!?

Simple things in life

Sometimes really it's the simple things in life that make your day.

Had a lot of fun last nite with some ex-classmates.
Catching-up session at the old hang-out with great company, some nice, girly-girl, mango beer and german sausages. A bit self-conscious perhaps of how fast everyone was on their way up, but what else is new?
It's still fun.

We agreed that we'd try to turn this into a quarterly event. Really looking forward to it.

Happy Labor Day

Quite a few people told me that I was not cut out to work for others.
They told me I was too stubborn to work for anyone.
All I can say to them now is: HA HA! YOU OWE ME LUNCH!
Wish they can see the slave that I am now....

To all cheap foreign labors, particularly those in this tiny island, Happy Labor Day!