Interesting how some people just have that special touch.
When all it takes is a few words from them for you to put things back in perspective and regain that faith and confidence to face the obstacles in front of you.

God or whoever it is who created me sure is complicated.
He/She/It/ They throw(s) me curve balls while giving me access to my own coach and cheer-leaders, making it very hard to give up.

All I want for Christmas...

is a hug.

Or a shoulder on loan.
(No, it's not because of the upper back spasm I had recently)

But then of course there will be tons of things I would like to have for New Year's, my birthday, Chinese New Year, Labor Day, and so on and so on...

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head...

Interesting how some people just have that special touch.

When all it takes is a few words from them for you to put things back in perspective and regain that faith and confidence to face the obstacles in front of you.

God or whoever it is who created me sure is complicated.

He/She/It/ They throw(s) me curve balls while giving me access to my own coach and cheer-leaders, making it very hard to give up.

With that, I guess I will still be holding on to this personal anthem I have been holding on to since my secondary school days...

It sucks...

... when you feel like committing murder but know you are not capable of it
... when you feel like strangling a person to death and you can't because his or her boss pays for your income
... when you feel like banging a person's head against the wall but you can't because his or her blood runs in you
... when you get shit dumped on you and even though it's not your shit you still have to clear it
... when you get blamed for the shit dumped on you when you are not the one who came up with the shit in the first place
... when you wish you could clone yourself but you can't
... when you wish you could switch off your heart and not care but find that you can't
... when you find that no one bothers to listen to you, even when you scream your heart out
... when you find yourself talking to a wall (no wonder they don't listen... silly me)

Gosh it's Monday again.
Still have to deal with my beloved client "Auntie thousand wind" .... I swear to God there are hundreds of times during my less than 2 months stay here that I was really tempted to tell her to go and "F*** off!!"

O well...
Not as if I had not been thru shit before, rite? Bring it on, auntie! I shall change your name to "Auntie thousand fart" instead.... the earlier name is too pretty for you.

Bring it on! Who's afraid of the big bad fart.
(sorry for the disgusting pseudonym)

When leaving your job feels like breaking up with someone, you know you're in a deep shit.


August is one crazy month.
Nope. Not talking about the weather though it sure has a mind of its own nowadays....

Just another manic monday...

after a very hectic weekend.

My aunt planned an early celebration of grandpa's b'day so my parents were in town. Dad has been in and out a lot recently but Mom only flew in on Saturday. The trip back from the airport stretched one whole day as we made quite a few stops along the way. First it was the famous Ng Ah Sio pork ribs soup for lunch with my aunt who tagged along. Next stop was Funan to shop for my aunt's mobile phone and unsuccessful attempt at scoring a new suitcase for my dad. After that, I dragged them to chinatown with me as I needed to find something there. Evening was spent at yet another aunt's place before we doubled back towards Ang Mo Kio to visit my great-aunt who apparently was recently hospitalized.

Grandpa's b'day lunch took up most of the day on Sunday. It's really quite sad how different things are without my grandma around...

I woke up early on Monday only to realize I had forgotten my "homework". Luckily I managed to calm down and coughed up the framework in about 1 hour's time. And even luckier as my boss was in a meeting the whole morning, so I had time to touch up the thing with more details. In fact, I think she totally forgot about it until after lunch, when I asked to see her for a quick discussion.

I didn't leave office until 7 pm as I wanted to recheck the figures. Lucky I did coz I caught some mistakes. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I don't leave traces of anything major there.
Was supposed to meet up with a friend and his partner for dinner but sadly found my lancer refusing to cooperate. Dinner had to be rescheduled and I was stuck at the parking lot waiting for help, which cost me about 10% of my basic salary.
Just great...

Operation tight belt on!

My first nite...

I finally lost my world-cup virginity.
And thanks to Germany, I am $10 richer : )

I tried to arrange for a world-cup outing, but due to lack of experience :P the whole thing almost fell apart with people ready to just go home after we failed to get any table despite combing the Selegie and City Hall area.

In the end, we settled for this bar on 70/F with visuals but no audio. PL managed to get AO to replace AT. However, WE & KH couldn't get in because of the dress code and YK ended up as the only guy who made it.

I think world cup should be most interesting compared to whatever leagues and championships around.
I prefer to see the purer side of sport, where commercial decisions such as club financing comes into play.
Kinda a shame that I only started so late into the competition, but it's always better late than never.

Wonder if I should subscribe to the football channel in August so I can better educate myself  before the next world cup.... :P

Make a wish today....

It was Friday night. Netherlands vs Brazil was suppose to be on at 10 pm, but I couldn't find anyone to go and lose my world-cup virginity :P 

( I'm hoping the plan for tonight will work out somehow)

Determined to break my pattern of working overtime on Fridays, I decided to drop everything and leave around 6 pm. Whatever it was, it just had to wait. I told myself the world was not going to crumble if I send my report at 10 am on Monday instead of 7 pm on Friday. I have a life and people just have to accept it. 

On my way out I decided to call a friend. I knew she was most likely still at the office. 

Aside from being Capricorns, we do share a lot in common and I was determined to break her pattern too. 

I did manage to get her out of her office and we ended up in Novena area for a "budget" dinner, which turned out to be free for me as she insisted on footing the bill to cover her "taxi" fare. 

My friend asked to go for a round of drinks after that. She had had a rough week and I had nothing to do.
So I brought her to my secret corner on the 70/F -- a place I usually don't share with many people in my futile attempt to keep the place obscure. And she fell in love with the place too.

While my friend downed her first Cape Mentelle Sauvignon Blanc, her third drink for the night, she was lamenting how she was overworked, which was the extreme opposite of her situation less than a year ago, when she had been totally under-utilized and had wished she had more workloads and more important roles to play. Jokingly, I told her that the lesson learnt was clear: Be careful what you wish for.

I shared with her how I am a firm believer of the power of creative visualization.
As a kid, my family was on the weak side financially. Although I am blessed with very good parents who assured me and my brother of sufficient nutrition and healthcare (as evidenced by my size) and equally important education, abundance was not anywhere in sight.
Mom had to wreck her brain to feed 13 people with 1 chicken. The wonderful meals and treats she managed to whip up from time to time reminds me of Jesus with the five loaves of bread and two fish in the bible.
I remember seeing some of the well-to-do families we got to know from the buddhist group our family used to join, and I couldn't help but feel a bit envious. I remember as a kid imagining that one day I would be able to study architecture, study overseas, work overseas and drive a car (Our family of four had to rely on my dad's scooter then and I thought female drivers looked damn cool then). I wished so hard for it, I remember I managed to conjure up very clear images whenever I closed my eyes.

Dreaming was my hobby as a child.

Dream. So you can achieve.
Ask. So you will be given.
Fight. So you can win.

My Mom had taught me the above at a very young age.
I probably have written about this somewhere in this blog but I still feel like sharing the story.

There was no nursery in my Dad's hometown, where I  stayed with grandparents when my parents moved to Jakarta. When my brother started kindergarten there, there was nothing available for the 2.5 years old me. My grandparents who doted on me so much couldn't bear to see me sad & upset (read: throw tantrums) when I didn't have anyone to play with. They begged the principals to just let me wear the uniforms and hang out in class. They promised that I would behave myself and would not disrupt the class, which I did deliver.

When my brother and I were finally sent to Jakarta to join my parents, the school refused to acknowledge my kindergarten certificate as I was too young. I had to go back to year 1. Everyday after school, I would complain to my mom that school was boring as they kept telling us to draw lines and circles. Instead of taking it on herself, my mom threw the ball to me: "If you want to, you can ask the teacher to move you up to Year 2. You can then learn more interesting things there."

"But how do I do that? What do I say to the teacher?" I asked.
She then taught me a one-liner that I memorized and practiced a few times in front of her.
With a twisted feeling in my stomach, every morning for the next one whole week, I would run up to the teacher's desk before class started every morning and recite that one liner, before immediately turning away and running back to my seat.

Puzzled, the teacher finally asked to see my mom after that one week.
Thanks to my mom's bargaining skills, I got what I wanted.

It's probably one of the earliest lessons in life that Mom has taught me.
While I have not managed to fully implement it, there have quite a few occasions in which I have done so, in my school years as well as my work life:

Ask.
You might just get your wish.
And when you don't, ask again.
Fight.

Just going thru a relapse

(Lagi kumat aja mellow-nya.... Pls excuse me)


Kadangkala aku bertanya
dimana cinta berada
tersembunyi tiada kunjung menghampiri

Dua angsa memadu rindu
di danau biru bercumbu
pagut sepi ku di sini
letih hati

Begitu jauh
waktu ku tempuh
sendiri mengayuh
biduk kecil, hampa berlayar
akankah berlabuh ?
hanya diam
menjawab kerisauan

Kadangkala aku berkhayal
seorang di ujung sana
juga tengah menanti
tiba saatnya

Begitu ingin
berbagi batin
mengarungi hari
yang berwarna
dimana dia
pasangan jiwaku ?
ku mengejar bayangan
kian menghilang


- Pasangan Jiwa (Katon Bagaskara)-

Klakustik-Tak Bisa Ke Lain Hati

Part of the music I grew up with...

There goes my plan...

http://www.slate.com/id/2256212/?GT1=38001

A nite with Geoffrey Archer

Actually really wanted to go out to beerfest today. Thought that would be fun but couldn't get anyone to go with me. I think it'd be bloody boring to go by myself.

I do have an invitation from a friend to join him and his friends for a world cup session, but considering my level of understanding of the game, I was worried that I'd just end up annoying them with my questions. Anyway considering I just had wine last nite with some of the girls from NUS, I have decided it maybe a good idea to cut down on alcohol and give it a pass.

For one thing, I am starting to see alcohol as really expensive additional calories... Not that I don't enjoy it but I suppose I really need to start cutting down as much as I can both on cost and calories. 4Cs should be my motto from now on: Cut Cost, Cut Calories :P

So... I guess tonight it's just me, Geoffrey Archer's Lucifer Network and perhaps some Jason Mraz in between.

Julia Fordham - Happy Ever After

Don't ask me why....

This tune just started buzzing in my head a few days ago....

I would hear this song once in a while, here and there... but I never knew the title.

Never one to memorize titles and lyrics to start with.

And I struggled before finally finding this on youtube. Somehow the buzzing sound in my head had been a guy... guess I was wrong :P

I love female singers with sexy, husky vocals.

Gosh I am really nervous. Not really quite sure how to face the holy trinity when I come forward with my plan. God help me....

Repeat note to self: Cool as cucumber. Cool as cucumber. Cool as cucumber....

August 2010

I have just realized I stopped working out after grandma passed away.

Just the other day someone asked why I stopped going to the gym.

I couldn't remember clearly why. Maybe subconsciously I tried my best to wipe out my life around that time.Well, but then again maybe I just have selective short-term memory span.

I did pick up swimming though. I did learn to swim though only breast stroke.

I have not managed to do proper front crawl before my trainer moved to Dubai for work.

Lost the momentum and have not gone back to it ever since.

August 2010.

I promise.

I will be back.

Damn! My English is seriously rusty...

One year has passed....

I'm glad I didn't have to be alone today. My brother, sis-in-law and the two goofballs, i.e. my niece and nephew are in town. Dad also happened to be in town. We went out for dinner. Dad then went home while the rest of us went to catch Karate Kid.

Exactly one year ago, 12 June 2009, was the day I lost my maternal grandmother. I will always remember how she still tried to comfort me as I cried and held her in my arms. I will always remember walking back to the emergency ward with her on the stretcher. I just wish I had held her hands tight then.

12 June 2009 was a horrible day and the impeccable impression I had of the healthcare system in Singapore is totally tarnished forever. I still believe she was a victim of a terrible system. High volume of cases public hospitals have to manage should not be an excuse.

The trials and tribulations did not stop there, and almost immediately after losing my grandma, my family and I had to struggle with a major crisis at home and for the first time in a very, very long while, beyond just wishing everything was a bad dream, I actually wished that I could just go to sleep and not wake up again. The temptation to buckle was very strong. There were days when I would wake up from sleep with tears in my eyes. There were days when I really felt numb and stoned. It felt as if part of me had died that year.

Fortunately, I am blessed with a handful of very good friends who supported me all the way and patiently listened to all the drama I had to share. Until one day, I got fed up burying myself in my own tears. I told myself I had to be strong and survive and tried to relate the same message to my family: The more the world wants to see us buckle, drop down and die, the more we have to prove them wrong.

For a period of time, I couldn't bring myself to blog. Whenever I tried to, nothing would come out. It was quite hard to shift out the things that were overloading my mind, which was mostly filled with problems, negativity, frustrations and despair.

That is not how I wanted to remember my life.

So I decided to stop blogging. I decided to ride the waves first and savor every flavor that life throws at me: The bitter, the sour, the salty and the sweet. I stood there at the beach and I challenged the ocean. Bring it on, I said. As I stepped into the water, I took a quick look at the soft stretch of white sands and promised myself that I would be back, stronger than ever.

The following is not exactly a captain's log. Not exactly a list of achievements, as I haven't really done much. Just simply doing some stock-taking. I suppose. So here we go: The following are some of the things I have done or gone through in the past year, in no particular order:

• Traveled to two more countries in Asia Pacific: Australia and Japan.
• Bought my first ridiculously-priced branded bag: I love the soft yet sturdy leather but it's seriously one bad case of an impulsive buy. I'm planning to extract the maximum amount of mileage of this bag.
• Saw how a closely-knit family was torn with the departure of the matriarch: Nothing can stop greed and ego, I suppose.
• Was a bridesmaid for the second time. It was my first in Jakarta and I think it's more fun in Singapore.
• Was a "brother" (groomsmen in Singapore) for the first time: I'm quite sure this would be the last, too.
• Found my soul mate.
• Realized it was all an illusion: No soul mate was found and the most wonderful time of my life had to end in less than 2 months. Previously, I had never believed in the idea of handing over one's happiness in the hand of another, but somehow before I knew it, I was doing it. I was weak and scared. In my desperate search for assurance, I wanted to tap on the confidence that he always exudes, to lead me out of my black hole and remove all the lingering questions. I suppose that was too much to ask of anyone and I have no one else to blame but myself for this. It was all my fault. Luckily, we kind of sorted things out. We will always be friends (I hope) and I have learned a lot from the brief adventure. One of the lessons learnt: Unless you're prepared to put your friendship at stake when you make that leap of faith, stick to being friends.
• While I did not cry when we spoke, or when I sent the sms after that ( Yes, we are of the new generation and my decision went out by sms), for a while it felt like another bit of me died all over again. I was back in limbo and in my attempt to break free, decided to challenge myself. In this case, I went on my very first blind date. When I say blind, I seriously went in blind. Not as in meeting a visually-impaired guy kind-of-way, of course. I just went out with a total stranger. Not through a dating agency or anything corny like that. OK, so we did exchange pictures, but for all I know, everything he had said about himself might be a huge lie. I don't think it was awful and the 4.5 hr chat was quite interesting but I suppose there is really no future there. I am just glad I am properly trained in my alcoholism and despite a few rounds of martini, my head was still screwed on right and I turned down his invitation to go to his place that night. However, out of curiosity (and boredom, I suppose), I did go out with him again for a movie on a week-night. Relax... nothing happened. He did ask me to give him a call again, but I don't think I will be doing that. I just don't feel like doing it.
• Was a maid-of-honor for the first time and saw two of my best friends finally tying the knot. It was a good day, although I will forever regret my excellent reflex that day: Shouldn't have responded so fast when the inexperienced MC called my name by mistake. Damnit. (Sorry, roomie...)
• Finally closing my very own major deal, or at least I think it is. About 1.5 years from the first time I touched base with the client, and about 8 months after I secured the exclusive appointment, the client has finally signed the Letter of Offer. The message is clear: Persistence and perseverance does pay (occassionally).
• For the first time, closed two cases in one week with another client confirming to close yet another deal as soon as we clear their legal. Two-and-a-half deal in a week ain't that bad, right?
• Finally sold my soul to the devil and I am afraid I may be forever in debt till the day I die. Well, at least I won't have to worry about awkward situations staying at my own place and I believe my banker, aka my dad, will be quite friendly. So yea... I'm so looking forward to August.
• Found myself to be the last one standing officially at my second home in this island: At work. Everyone from the old gank has left and I am the only one still around. While I keep telling everyone that it's just life -- people come and people go --- occasionally the dark side would come and take a stab at me and the loneliness and sadness would creep in. I have been looking but not much luck so far. I have however, squeezed a promotion and a measly raise from my boss and turned down 1 offer. I have one offer in hand, which I may be turning down very soon. The push is just not as strong with the new project I have in hand and the pull is just not as strong as I had hoped for. One thing is for sure: I will continue to be on the lookout.

I don't know what life has in store for me next. But after what I have gone through the past year, I know for sure that I will ride the waves and survive.

It will take a while before I can stop crying whenever I see grandma's photo and I still miss my mom's laughter. I am worried about my father and my brother, my sis-in-law and the kids. I am also worried I am not spending enough time with my grandfather.

I also still worry about my career and my future.

And while I will have a home very soon, I am still looking for my "home".

But, whatever it is, BRING IT ON!!

BRING IT ON, LIFE!!

I'm not scared of you.

I am a survivor.