Note to a jerk that I really care(d) about

To you out there,

That was totally uncalled for, man....

Maybe I am just a tad sensitive today,
maybe it's me who's been in denial of the jerk that you can be,
maybe it's something else, I don't know....

But still, it was totally not cool, man...

The cut is deep enough after the past 12 years or so,
that you really didn't have to take another stab at it.

However crappy you were feeling,
Whatever bad day you were having,
I really didn't deserve it.

However, rest assured that I did get the message, loud and clear.
Rest assured that I am trying my best to move on.
I really am.

As always, I wish you all the happiness in this world.
And I pray and hope that this will be my last note to you,
that whatever you do, it will never get to me.

Please do take good care of yourself.

Cheers.

Pathetic

It's pathetic....
How a pop-up msn message indicating someone's online can lift up my mood.

Think I seriously need a DIY brain-washing machine...
Anyone got any idea where I can score one?

A note to self

Is it just me or does time really flies when you don't plan?

As in.... when you don't even have time to plan.

As in.... when you don't even have time to really breathe.



I have never felt like this before.

Like I'm going through an endless tunnel. And it's not even a blackhole-like tunnel.

At least a black hole is empty.


But I am not a quitter...(unless you want to count the number of times I have quit my jobs), and I don't plan to be one.

I'm trying very hard to hypnotize myself.

I'm going to have the thickest skin of all when I come out of this tunnel.


This is the best training camp for me. I have to come out of this a stronger and better person.

And only when I am one that I can leave.

(note: repeat to self 100 times :P)

go low carb now?

I supposed Dr Atkins' followers are ahead this time around...
With all the concerns about rising price of rice, ... I suppose this is the perfect time to cut down on carb?

^_^

The chariot

I set up my facebook profile to have daily tarot card reading, and I'm loving my card for today:


The Chariot
The Chariot is the representation of victory and a reminder that, through dedication and perseverance, great obstacles can be overcome. This card indicates that you are in control of your destiny and that your will is strong. Your refusal to surrender is your great attribute at this time. You will soon find yourself in a difficult situation that requires you to be in complete control of your actions and confident in your abilities.

For a team with originally 18 member strong, to have 4 resignations in 2 months.....

And just to clarify: Team work has not been an issue at all...

So what does it say?

Am I really jumping from one hot soup to another?

A lot has happened the past few weeks, and no.... I'm not referring to the whole brouhaha about the highly coveted contents of Edison Chen's notebook.



Speaking of HK entertainment news, I am quite sad to learn about Lydia Sum's death. I can only hope her daughter gets all the support that she needs... I really quite envy the kind of bond that the two seem to have shared.



Anyway, back to me... as I am an extremely self-adoring biatch :P

So, my resignation was finally approved after two failed attempts -- including one in which she actually implied that I was just going through some sort of a quarter-life crisis ...
While I really don't think that that is what's going on -- and I also don't think the problem is solely on my end (i.e. was really tempted to say: add another quarter and speak for yourself), maybe she's right......., but who cares, right?

I was out.
I was free... yet I was broken-hearted.
The idea that I would not be able to see the few wonderful friends I have made at work really was really devastating.
After all the time we spent together, including all those extra hours at work, they have become another family to me.

I genuinely think I must have done some awesomely good deeds in my previous life (which unfortunately I haven't seem to be able to copy in this life) to be so lucky to have such nice and sweet colleagues.

And before my last day, they even chipped in to get me a hamper with fresh flowers, an assortment of organic goodies which they picked themselves and a really cute stuffed piggy in a pineapple costume as a send-off gift.
It's just is really, really sweet of them.

Anyway, there were some changes after some rather dramatic turn of events.
And instead of a clean exit through the door, I ended up crossing the hallway instead after that last day.

I transferred to another department instead.
I have been getting mixed feedback about this. Most of my darling friends at work, of course have been really supportive, trying to assure me that I will do great over on the other side.
However, there were also others who reacted differently. One interesting comment referred to the other side as "the dark side" and another scolded me just this afternoon (apparently I forgot to inform her, as I was under the assumption that the others would've told her already), asking me if I was crazy to jump from one hot soup to another.

Sigh....

On hindsight, I wonder if my decision to take some advance leave before I start is really a good idea.
The more I think about the challenges I will have to face, the more nervous and doubtful I get, wondering whether or not I will be able to survive.

Anyway, I have reached the point of no return.
I keep tellling myself "There's no looking back now, girl! Just gotta take a deep breath and jump... just like you have done before. Shit will happen you will fumble around and stumble, but u just have to take another deep one, smile, and get up again".

Easier said than done...... (I think the human mind is really strong and weak at the same time).

But it's ok....I will jump. I will do it.
No other way to find out the outcome, right?

So, .....Bring it on!

All I can say is,
I think if this thing works out, I'm gonna be in for one heck of a ride at work.

confession

OK, I suppose it's confession time.

Once in a while, I do need to retreat to some tear-jerking dramas.
While previously I never really fessed up to this, even to myself.
I accidentally did when I was chatting with a colleage online just now, recommending this one particular show that touched on AIDS and underprivileged families.

PL says:my life already very sad,
PL says:still ask me watch sad movies
chocoholic says:no lah... u cry over ur own life sounds pathetic mah
chocoholic says:then u find a gd movie and bawl ur eyes out
chocoholic says:that's what i do
chocoholic says:then i have an excuse to cry lor
PL: ahhah

Sigh..... so that's what's been going on. I didn't really realize that before.

the big three-o part deux

I had one of my best birthdays ever yesterday.

Phonecalls, emails and messages: Mom & Dad, sis-in-law (bro usually forgets), aunt, friends, roomie & bf, more friends.

Also, one obstacle down, though I know this one is just the tip of the iceberg).

And I had a really great lunch with my buddies at work. All 13 of them (one couldn't make it because of other appointment).
They're really one of the blessings in my life. Sometimes I still can't believe how lucky I am to have gotten a chance to be in such a tight and fun bunch of people.
There's always ups and downs, but I think we're really great together.
I really wish I had the power to keep us all together.
I can almost see us "conquering" the world. lol...
It is just one heck of an interesting mix of people at the table: My wacky dancing queen sister who does an excellent teresa teng and idolizes inul daratista (lol), a goddess of death who's addicted to caffeine, a king with interesting collection of "wifes, ex-wifes and mistresses", a chinese little star with his occassional teaching of chinese proverbs, a devout christian who's into bon jovi, a cat lover who doesn't really eat meat that much, a super neat super mom of two boys, an organic lifestyle poster girl, a chio super mom of two pretty little girls, an eating machine sociologist, a funky economist, a sexy puss in boots, a prim and proper lady, and me, the lucky nonsensical chocoholic.

The whole gank chipped in, either as major or minor shareholder, buying me lunch as well as birthday present. My wacky dancing queen sister who was the appointed shopper bought me the gorgeous tube dress that I had been eyeing before during one retail therapy session with her.

They beat me in my own game, and I couldn't pay for the lunch. All I could do was treat them a slice of cake.
I really wish I could give them more than that.

I got so sad that I couldn't help it. I cried a bit.
My buddy the king told me I caught them by surprise and they didn't know what to do when I did.

Sorry, peeps! But I was really sad lor... you guys are making it so much harder....

Anyway, after surviving lunch, I went to pick up yet another cake for dinner. I insisted to do that as it was my uncle Charlie's b'day too.

So we had steamboat cum bbq dinner at my aunt's flat. There's this unoccupied space next to her corner flat that has become somewhat her private "yard". Perfect spot for bbq dinner, especially with the breezy nite.

Then it was another round of chocolate fudge cake from raffles hotel's ah teng bakery, after which I felt like fainting afterwards from over-stuffing myself.

Then I came home to a taiwanese tv show that claimed basically that capricorns will have a good year this year.

What a great day.....

I don't really remember feeling so loved and so lucky before in my life.

So far, the big three-o has been good to me, and I hope it will stay this way.

the big three-o

So here I am....
half an hour past midnite.
Well, technically since I was born at noon, it's not really the big three-o till another 12 hours or so...
(hmmm... now contemplating posting this at noon instead)

oh what the heck....
How I spent my first half an hour in the big three-o?
Chatting with one of my sistas from my windy-city era, Miss M, who proudly displayed the ultra-scan image of her baby daughter.
I just find moms amazing, and I know she's gonna be one amazing supermom.
Way to go, Miss M!
(She attacked me online with what looked like Jolie's lips :P..... which just reminds me of her version of Shiloh :P)

Also chatted with a colleague, who I once spent hours chatting with.
With the kind of shit we had to deal with, just didnt really have time to chat recently.
And that all changed yesterday when my resignation was finalized after 2 failed attempts previously.

I must say, I have been one blessed little brat to have such doting parents (though it took me a while to figure it out) and family, to have met and befriended such wonderful and unbelievably sweet people as I have, and to just have such a wonderful, albeit holey and patchey life.

I seriously wonder what I had done in my previous life to deserve this.

Note to GOD (whoever, whatever, and whereever you are):
THANK YOU!

So, ... I have finally decided (or so I try to convince myself).

I need something new for the new year.
I'm actually quite sad just thinking about it, but at the same time I don't think this is sustainable.

Keep thinking about the people though.
Sad...

Btw, my nephew after waking up in the morning and finding me sitting in front of my laptop :
"Gu-gu (chinese for auntie), is your homework really tough?....... How come you can't seem to finish it?It's been days already...."

I luv kids....

One soft-hearted biatch

I finally did it.
Told my trainer that I thought it'd be best for me to switch trainer as it was getting harder and harder to match our schedules.
I really felt he wasn't cooperating enough. Besides, how the heck is anyone who's not motivated enough to work can motivate someone to go work out?
As my colleagues put it," Heck! I'm a paying customer, ok?!?!?"
How dare he raised his voice at me?!?!?

Funny though.
I kinda feel bad.

My gal pal at work, Miss Faye Faye, was laughing at me for being soft-hearted.
The reason being, I was scolding her for being soft-hearted.
On hindsight, I think she had a better excuse, she was soft-hearted when it comes to her ex.
Me? I'm soft-hearted. Period.
Even when it comes to my personal trainer. Or bosses who take advantage of cheap foreign labor. .... lol.....

My buddy at work was teasing me when I told him I was gonna quit if I wasn't happy with the boss the next day. He said," Are you sure or not? You keep saying the same thing every time leh... "
But you see, to be honest, I really think our boss is not that bad, contrary to some of the things I've been hearing. After all, she did give me the opportunity to try out for this.

By the way, I also feel bad that I've caused some of my friends to worry about me, especially Mr Bunny and Miss Beenz.
If you guys are somehow reading this post, I'm really sorry.
I've just been really drained at work. Aside from the fact that I really had almost no time left for myself, I also didn't want to be dumping all my shit to you.
I had nothing to talk about aside from work.

Things will get better soon. I promise.
At least, I will try to make it better... : )

I keep breaking my record. Left the office at 5 am and reached home by 5.30. crashed and slept till 8 am, when I jumped out of bed to take my shower and then head back to office.



I need to break this vicious cycle!



Had to go and get some eye cream this evening. I just decided I really need to see something else other than my desk, my room, my car and the food court where we usually go for lunch.

Enough is enough.



So I went shopping instead. Kinda just HAVE to get a new white top. I had just realized that most of my white blouses are either stained, lost their brightness or got some other problems.



I ended up with an eye cream, a black skirt, a pair of slacks and 2 tops for work. Talk about some retail therapy huh?

baby step

It's my first day back at the gym after a really long while.

20 mins on the cross-trainer (with almost no resistance, hahaha), 5 mins on the stationary bike (again, kindergarten level) and 40 mins of circuit training.

nothing remotely close to the intensity of training last year, or even earlier this year, before i started work.

but hey, i'm still quite happy. at least i stepped back to gym. ^_^

one tiny baby step at a time, girl.
one tiny baby step at a time. .......

Life - or something like it

It's 5 mins to midnite and I'm still in the office.
All by myself.

Those close to me can vouch for me: I am the biggest chicken in the whole world.
Yet, I am strangely ok with staying here at the wonderful 35th floor all by myself.
(What freaks me a bit is getting to the 34th floor from the emergency staircase :P).

I am supposed to be rushing 2 sections of this particular regional market study, but I'm just plain burnt-out. In dire need for a break then remembered I haven't updated my blog for a while. I recently found out that template I had been using had somehow gone haywire and my blog has been looking pretty neglected, especially with no posts whatsoever the past few weeks.
Too lazy (and no time!!!) to look for template, I just went for one of the standard ones.

The past few weeks have been mostly nothing but work. It has been all about slaving myself away monday-friday (plus two saturdays, and inclusive of one public holiday spent here at my desk). Oh and some nite-outs with my colleagues.
With all the crap we have to put up with, we strongly believe we need some heavy-duty de-stressing.

The past few weeks, I only go home to throw myself on my bed, jumping back up and rushing back to office a few hours after that.

I have been joking about getting a sleeping bag, stuffing my stuff in my car, and moving in to the office. I can always go to shower at Cali-Fit. There you have it: My contribution to all the "green" movement that's all the buzz nowadays (not to mention, savings from not actually having to drive my car).

I got into an accident a few weeks ago. Pretty bad in some ways yet not as bad in others. I am totally convinced by now that God is really, extremely nice to me. And I totally have no idea why I might have done in my previous life to deserve such nice treatment.
And knowing that I fully do not deserve it just makes me freak out even more.

Anyway, as I said, got nothing much to update.

Oh haven't been to the gym for the past 2 months. Seriously cannot make it there with all this crap going on.

(Note to self: Be thankful. Be greatful that someone actually is giving u a chance)

Sigh....

Oh Mr. Bunny is gonna go for R.O.M in January with Mrs. Bunny, a.k.a. Ade.

And he refused to have a bachelor's party.

Sigh... (not that I could come anyway)

Ok, it's 10 mins past midnite. Better get back to my work.

My record was 00.10 yesterday. I'm getting better and bettter.
00.11 restart work instead of packing home.

Life? Where are you?

A very nice colleague just shared with me one of his favorite quotes (which I'm too lazy too google around for), that the true character of a person is not reflected during his success, but when he manages to pick himself up and again.

I think that's a really good one, OKS!Thanks again for sharing.

Exactly what I need right now, I think.....

Another day in paradise

I'm having a rather bad day, I suppose.
Or weekend for that matter.

It bugs the hell out of me that I have totally no clue whatsoever what is bugging me right now.
I am just totally bugged out.
And unfortunately, no.... it's not that time of the month.
How I wish it were that time of the month.... that would make it all so logical.

I am simply pissed off..... for reasons that I am not even sure of.

I do have some guesses, but really I can't tell which one of them is causing this.
Or maybe it's actually all of them combined?I really don't know.

Totally pissed off at myself right now...

Seriously, I don't mean to stereotype people, but here's one difference I notice between Asian guys and the so-called Westerners or "ang-moh"s as they are referred to here on this island.

I find that ang-moh guys either open / hold the doors for ladies, or they simply don't (which doesn't happen very often, as far as I know).
Whereas in the case for Asian guys, ..... again I don't want to generalize -- I know perfectly clear that there are exceptions...., but there are just so many ridiculous conditions for these gentlemen-wannabes.
It all depends, you see.... Is it potential gf? gf? wife? Cute chick @ 7-11?
If not, chances are.... they may just give the opening / holding door thing a pass.

Sorry but I can't help but feel that it's one of the most ridiculous things in the world. I don't believe in split personalities. I know everyone has multiple personas based on the different roles that they play, but c'mon..... it's either you're a gentleman, or you're not! I'm sorry lor but I don't think there's any way you can be a perfect gentleman to your girlfriend/ potential girlfriend/ wife/ cute chick @ 7-11 but a total jerk to everyone else.

Just to clarify, I do not need anyone to open my doors at all. I am fully capable of opening my own doors. Sometimes I even open doors or hold elevator doors for guys who shamelessly walk out without even saying thanks, but hey....it's perfectly fine by me! At least they don't try to be someone who they're not (at least from what little I could gather from my brief seconds-long encounter with the strangers).

As for anyone out there who's doing the selective gentleman moment thing, please wake up.
You're not a gentleman, ok?! Sorry to burst your bubble......but unfrtunately you're not a gentleman lor.....

So...? Wanna reconsider? I think you might as well just drop the whole being-a-perfect-gentleman thing and just move on and enjoy your life.
I can imagine how troublesome it is to play the role of someone who you're really not.

Don't cha?

It can be a bit disturbing when you have a middle-aged ( and I mean MIDDLE-aged) cleaning lady at your gym trying to sing along to the Pussycat Doll's Don't cha? with her (really) broken english.....

Yup. Rolled-up sleeves and pants and all while mopping the floor in the changing room.

What a way to start your day.