A whole lotta crap

I submitted my first draft to my boss today. The very first report I am supposed to do in my current job.
65 pages in total, including charts, tables and all. It sure is a whole lotta crap though.....
After no breakthrough in trying to find a solutions to the problem. I tried my best to downplay the bad stuff and yet stay away from painting too beautiful of a picture lest we get sued later.

I can't even remember what I wrote. I just hope the boss finds it usable.
Coz I had a nightmare a few days ago that I got into trouble with my second boss because of this report. I remember in my dream, she said it was a piece of crap.

Anyway, this boss who will be reviewing the report will be travelling for a few days. She won't be back until later next week. After which I will have to revise the report based on her feedback over the weekend.
That's why I'm nervous and really praying there won't be too many changes to be done. I don't want to work on weekends.

I need sleep.....

I am cheap foreign labor

So,..... Happy Labor Day to me! YAY!

It's kinda nice how my first pay check from this new job came the day before the local labor day.

I know I could've / should've saved the money instead of doing this, but I really feel like giving my relatives here a treat.
I mean, my gramps are already in their late 70s. God knows how many chances I have left to treat them a decent meal, especially since grandma has been rather concerned that I might not survive or even get bullied at work for some reasons (I didn't know that I was that incompetent in her eyes..... hahahah my silly gramps). My aunts and uncles have been a really huge help and my dad happens to be in town, too. Even my little cousins are awfully nice (one of them even bought the two of us matching stuffed piglets knowing that I loved cute stuffed piglets. Shoot... I've just remembered it's her b'day. I have to figure out what to get her. ASAP before dim sum lunch this afternoon).
So there goes my first pay check after this afternoon. To the nice people I have been blessed to have as my family.

But that's ok.....
Family time... priceless.
For everything else, there's always Mastercard, right?
(Or in my case Visa :P)

My kryptonite

I was looking for some mp3s I would like to have in my new phone (courtesy of my lovely mom and bro), and I almost bawled my eyes out when I went through my Earl Klugh folder.
Times like this I really wish I could blame the bluecactus-dimcorner duo for stuffing my head with Earl Klugh. Well not all of his work of course,.... I have highly limited space in my "harddrive" in case you don't remember.
While I am almost certain that most of his songs can really take me places, this one particular "Till the End of Time" to me is almost as bad as kryptonite is to Superman.

Anyway, I think now I'm more stressed out because of the new phone than I am because of my new job.
It's not like I don't appreciate the gift, but I have always been a loyal Nokialite as far as I can remember. Even when I was stuck with other phones previously, I was always eyeing Nokia. I think I have actually sworn after I got my last 7610 (again, a really sweet gift from Mom), that I would never ever ever go for any other brand other than Nokia.
And look where I am today.

I am stuck with my new phone, and I am finding all the fancy stuff a bit overwhelming.
I wanted a simple Nokia E 61i but my brother insisted it looked really ugly, and chose this one instead.
I am a bit bummed that I can't use my mp3s as my ringtone.

Anyway, I suppose I'd better move on.

Oh yeah... a lot of people have been asking ( and I mean a lot!) anout my new job.
So far, I find that my colleagues are really quite fun. I suppose the fact that I am a little late in my "growing up" process might help a bit. Hahaha..... so I can still relate to them you see....since I have just found out that one of them just graduated from primary school when I started my first year in college.
Dang... finding out about this just accelerated my aging process. hahahahaha.....
I felt really old .. well just for a split second before I completely forgot about it again (until now, of course).

I also just found out over the weekend that some of my classmates from my last program are making more than twice my current salary. I would be lying if I said that it didn't get to me at all, but.... for some reason I really don't feel that it's that big of a deal.
The way I look at it, I am slightly behind, coz I went slightly off track, but I seriously think I'm heading the right way this time.
I can really see myself doing this kind of work in the long run, believe it or not.
Now, if only I can somehow reconcile my expectation with the fact that this particular field of work in this particular sector is quite notorious for its low pay.

One of my friends asked today if I feel excited at all about going to work when I wake up in the morning.
Although it took me a few seconds, I am still quite impressed that I actually said yes.
SO there you go...., I love my low-paying job!
And for that matter, while it is giving me a headache, I love my new phone too!
Thanks, Boss (for the job)! Thanks, Mom and Bro(for the phone)!
And thanks to you, bluecactus and dimcorner, for introducing me to one of my all-time favorite songs ( although I seriously feel as weak as Superman in krytonite-filled bathtub right now).

One week anniversary: Me *heart* job

So there you go....
My first week at my new job ended up with a Friday 13th.
I'm not really sure whether or not that's a sign of anything to come. ^_^

So far my new colleagues seem to be really nice.
I've been going out with them for lunches the past week since I thought it would be a good chance to get to know them better. And today a whole bunch of us (including 2 pregnant colleagues) squeezed ourselves at a tiny table at the food court and had lunch together.
It was quite fun actually....but unfortunately I'm afraid I might not be able to do it as often come next Monday, as I really need to get back to my program.
(I gained 3 kg in a week, for cryin' out loud!!!)

I have just realized a few seconds ago, that I almost forgot I actually signed up for this particular workshop this Saturday.
The ironic thing is that.... part of the workshop is on how to increase your brain power to improve your memory.
I suppose it just goes to show how critically important it is for me to attend this workshop :P

First day

Nervous.
Clueless.
Tired but can't possibly sleep ( ended up dozing off a few times. I am keeping my fingers crossed that nobody except the colleague next to me noticed).
Went to attend the wake for a classmate's father.
Gosh, I'm too tired to even come up with full sentences.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........................

Hope Mom,Dad and Gramps are enjoying their trip.
Hope I don't get fired before end of my probation.
Hope I don't embarass myself at work.
Hope I'll find out that my bosses and new colleagues are genuinely nice people.
Hope.........

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................

I wanna get twitterized but I can't seem to get it done correctly.
: (

Me? Green?

(Previous title: I AM GREEN!! Revised title to avoid potential misinterpretation as pointed out by chicagodimcorner)

I've started counting down to a few events.
There's the wacky clan gathering this weekend to celebrate my maternal gramps' 60th anniversary (I'm gonna be missing this quiet peace that I have right now at this moment). There's also my parents and my gramps' trip to China (I'm involved as the planner despite my not joining them in the trip, so I'm a bit stuck). Then of course, there is this coming Monday, which oh-by-the-way is going to be my first day at work in my new job.
I just had a really tiring day and I am going to have another great, long day tomorrow.
I wish I had Heroes' Hiro Nakamura power to stop time.

I've noticed how people keep pointing out at how good my life is.
It's not that I'm denying it: I am fully aware at how good my life is, as I think I have mentioned tons of time to almost everybody I know.
(Ooops... I suppose it's my own fault for pointing it out to everybody in the first place :P)

But then again, I am having problem figuring out why people have to focus so much on how the grass is greener on the on the other side.
I mean I do envy some people sometimes, but not all the time. Only once in a while and even then it's almost always just for a minute or two of daydreaming and that's it.
Of course, occasionally I might wonder if things had been different had I done some things differently, but I think I stop feeling that life is in anyway better for others.
God(s) has (have) been really nice to me by giving me an imperfect life to live. My totally imperfect self. My totally imperfect brain.My totally imperfect family. My totally imperfect life.
And it's all GOOD.

As a kid, I went through a period in which I thought God was playing a really cruel joke on me. I went through a rather long period of self-loathing, people-loathing, world-loathing, and all that crap, but I got through it and I think I stopped seeing the greener grass on the other side a while back. Most of the time now I only see a different shade of green now,be it emerald or jade, forest green or fern green, jungle green or sea green.
I see a different type of grass texture perhaps. A different root, a different length. That's it.

I suppose that's why it kind of gets to me sometimes when people come up to me and tell me in an envious tone at how good my life is or how fortunate or lucky I am compared to who and who.
The way I look at it, everybody's got their own sh*t to deal with. And mine is definitely gonna be different than yours.
And who knows what the real sh*t is that you're dealing with? So when we're in no way directly comparable to each other, how to tell when my side is greener than yours?

To me, all this talk about being green or greener is basically comparable to Brainy Smurf pointing out to Papa Smurf at how blue he is, or Doc or Sneezy pointing out to Grumpy that he's a dwarf.

So to all these people that I have been in contact with, let me just say:
ARE YOU COLOR BLIND? We're all GREEN!!!

Good morning, sunshine!

There are definitely times when I can't believe how nice GOD(s) is to me.
And this morning is definitely one of those days.
I wished for something just last night, and I got exactly what I wished for this morning.
7.42 am local time. Boy... GOD can sure be quite efficient some time.

After a follow-up appointment at the doctor's, I was initially planning to go shop for some decent work outfits (It won't be funny to run out of clothes to wear on a weekday, I don't think).
However, the idea of shopping on a saturday afternoon I suppose has somehow developed into a nightmarish picture to me. I chickened out and decided to stay at home instead.
I was ready to just decompose for the day, when my grandparents came home early.
Just one look at them and I knew how bored they were (thanks to those kids and grand kids who are so busy they can't even spare an hour or so every few weeks to just drop by and say hi).
Suddenly, I had one of my lightbulb moments and one word popped out: MAHJONG.

So my grandma and I had our first Mahjong 101 session with Grandpa as the instructor. It was quite fun to see how Grandma went from coyly peeking at Grandpa and me every once in a while, repeating every other minute or so that she knows nothing about mahjong, to dragging her own chair to join us. Before we knew it, she was already developing her own style in picking up her tiles and yelling PONG! like nobody's business. By the time we called it the day, a few hours had passed without us realizing it.

I'm just glad I chickened out of shopping today. It sure was more than worth it to see my grandpa's face lit up when I suggested that he teach me how to play the game. I'm just glad I found them something to do. Maybe next time I can arrange for a weekly mahjong game for them.

the good (intentions), the bad (girl) and the ugly (outcome)

There's a saying in Indonesian:
Semut di seberang lautan tampak, gajah di pelupuk mata tiada tampak.
It basically refers to how one can clearly see "an ant" across the ocean, while being oblivious to "the elephant" right under one's nose.

Interesting how fast people can judge a situation, "pinpoint" exactly the problem, and identify the culprit responsible for the situation, literally from thousands of miles away.
It didn't help that I pointed out that he had never been in my situation.
It didn't help that all the while I was thinking: "You are not even here. What do you know?"
It didn't help that at the back of my mind I kept thinking: "Speak for yourself.... Do you know how many complains I have received about you?"
It certainly didn't help also that I lost my cool and raised my voice when I felt I was being attacked, for a decision I made thinking that was the best for everyone.
It certainly sucks being the youngest in the family.

Anyway,
I really had no intention and I still fail to see how such a tiny decision of mine, driven by nothing but good intentions, can hurt anyone or at the very least negatively affect anyone in any way.
I really don't see why it has to be blown out ouf proportion like this. I came up with that idea with nothing but good intentions in mind.

It's interesting how some outsiders feel that I pay too much attention to my family's needs and wants, that I am not living my own life so to speak, while some insiders feel that I am a self-centered, spoilt brat, who cares about nothing but myself.
I find it a bit funny actually when I try to zoom out and look at the whole thing.

Anyway, this whole thing just reminds me of something that crossed my mind the other day.
I was watching a tv show and there was this dialog in i about a past mistake: A wrong decision again done with nothing but good intentions in mind, that might have hurt someone.
It reminded me of something I decided to do, and actually did, a few years ago.
Sometimes, just once in a blue moon perhaps, the cheesy bit in me would wonder if I somehow had hurt anyone's feelings. But at the same time, the critical rational bit in me goes: "Neahhhh....You did the best you could, girl!"
And then all's well again in my self-centered land....
I guess ...

There's someone that I really wish I could have a chat with right now, but I suppose there's no point in trying to talk to someone who doesn't really enjoy talking to you.

The lazy bum in me is using my knee as an excuse to skip my training.
For the most part though, I still think it is the best thing to do.
I'd rather wait until I get the doc's approval on Saturday before I start kicking again.

Big bang

Saw this while waiting at the doctor's today:

Son: "How much does it cost to get married, Dad?"
Father: " I'm not sure, Son.... I'm still paying for it now."

Got tons of stuff to do before I can start my new job, but my biggest problem now is my critically low level of confidence.
Pre-employment anxiety attack?
I really wish I could go out and jog right now. I bet it will feel really good, if not for my cranky left knee. I hope it turns out to be nothing major or permanent.

By the way, I really have to train myself to speak softer FAST. Wonder if anyone has ever failed their probation period at work for being too loud.

On a side note, we had our family photo taken a few weeks back when I was back home for CNY. I have always enjoyed, or actually admired, this particular photographer's work so I decided to ask him to take a picture of me, myself and I.
I have been really curious about the results and I finally got to see it today thanks to my Mom who sent it along with some documents I asked for.

*So happy*

Never in my life have I seen such a fancy picture...... with ME in it!!!!!
Call me a self-centered biatch if you want, I couldn't care less.
I definitely want a BIGASS print of that photo, even if it's going to take forever before I can afford a decent place of my own where I can put it up.
And it will definitely be on my personal list of priceless worldly possessions.

---------------------

An accident happened around the corner, just in front of our block while I was working on this post.
There was a short screeching sound before a really loud BANG.
The first kay-poh instinct in me tip-toed in high speed (to avoid disturbing my gramps who were already fast asleep) to the window but couldn't get any view. Not willing to give up, I speed-tip-toed again to the front door, thinking I would go downstairs to get a real close-up view.
As I was reaching out for the door, I suddenly froze.
"What if it gets really bloody?" I thought.
"What if the scene looks like something out of a horror movie? what if there are kids involved?"
I don't think I could've handled that. Although in hindsight, I doubt any parents with a straight mind will drag their kids around with them at 1 am in the morning during weekdays.

So I walked back to my room not realizing that my cousin were joining his parents in their room to watch the whole thing from the parents' window. He told me later that the accident involved a cab and a silver sedan.

So there you go... why the title for today's post is what it is : )
As for the casualties, my cousin thinks both drivers survived, albeit with some injuries of course.

Does it still count as a compliment when someone tells you:
"You're pretty lah.......(a short silence)....... I mean, ... I can see what you'll look like once you slim down."

Sometimes I wonder how a girl is supposed to take such a thing.

To have a perfect stranger, whom you have met less than 10 minutes in total, list out some really personal traits of mine was really an interesting experience.
Something he said though just strengthened my faith in the power of prayers and persistence.

Parents are great but they are even more amazing as grandparents.

My grandparents are really amazing people and I suppose my parents take after them.

In the case of my wacky parents, they take grand-parenting to a whole new level of wackiness.

Who else would lug BBQ pork, roti prata, chicken rice, tau-pok and the likes almost every single time they fly back home from this tiny blip on the blue planet? My dad who doesn't even step into a wet market back home would even go and volunteer to do the shopping himself.

(I just hope my lucky niece and nephew can see how lucky they are)

The downside of this, of course,.... I feel a tad guilty whenever I don't do the same thing for those wacky kids of my brother's.

You see... they're just too wacky to be true, ...... just the way I love them to be.

God knows what the heck they're doing in this picture, but it shouldn't be that hard to guess who instigated the whole thing.

the OUCH factor

Out of curiosity, I decided to experience what Threading is all about.
One word to describe it: .... OUCH!!!!
I almost swore I would never go for it again, before I realize how relatively short the pain was compared to my trying to tweeze my eyebrows myself.
Now for the latter, I not only get the same amount if not more pain, and I also lose time (due to lack of experience).

I used to have a very nice roomie who would help me out in this area. I really do miss her.....
(for more reasons that her excellent --and free!-- eyebrow-shaping service.
HAHAHA!

I can't believe how girly-girl I sound...... and VAIN also!
SHAME ON YOU, CHOCOHOLIC! SHAME ON YOU!!!!

sub·sti·tu·tion

Interestingly, two different yet almost similar things are going on in my life.
Well, at least in my mind..... and at least some parts of them are quite comparable to each other.

What would you do when you have a wish, a dream or a fantasy that you have been holding on to for a really long time, with very little sign of it becoming a reality anytime soon?
And all that you have to hold on to is hope, and a gut feeling that it is your destiny, well... maybe not to that extreme, but just this really weird sort of sixth sense that it is meant to be.

But then of course, it can very well be that you are just being delusional after years and years of convincing yourself that it is what it is.

Back to the dream.

So, after waiting and waiting for a while, or actually... make that a really long while, what would you do when someone offers you something else in place of this dream or fantasy?

"Take (Do) this and forget about that one." this person says to you.

The idealist, or at least the idealist-wannabe in me, would say "I really appreciate it. Thanks, but no, thanks."
The idealist me is saying that you don't achieve anything without perseverance and persistence. The idealist me is saying that one must stay true to his or her goal.

(By now you should have a pretty clear idea of how many cheesy movies and books I have come across in my life. I blame all the Chicken Soup series I gobbled up in high school.)

Where does one draw the line between persistence and ignorance?
Between bravery and foolishness?
Between perseverance and mere insanity?
Between patience and stupidity?

While mulling over these questions, I stumbled upon this:
Though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays.
- Sun Tzu -

So, now it's confirmed and I'm congratulating myself as I type, for it might be my highest achievement in life: A candidate for the biggest fool in the world.

Chat me not

I just got off the phone a few minutes ago with this poor friend of mine.
He called just for a quick chat, a quick hello, and I managed to torture him for about 2 hours?!?!?!?

Geesh.... sometimes I really wish I could shut myself up.
Where the heck did I get this super ability to chat like there's no tomorrow?

I think they should include me as the latest addition to the characters in the TV series HEROES: The girl who can kill people with her chattiness.
(Btw, I LURRRRVE that show!!! GO HIRO NAKAMURA!!!)
They have to pay me a fee to actually develop that character though.

Anyway, so people: Beware now! Call me not when you are not ready to face the dire consequence of death by speech.

YIPEE!!!
If nothing goes wrong, I might actually find myself a new accomodation. A new place for myself, also at a marginal cost, thanks to the wonderfully large extended family that I have. And what's even better, I might actually get the whole place for myself!!!!
Of course then again, I should probably not count my chickens before they hatch.

Still, I still need to thank my wacky aunt (who also took care of me as a toddler) and her husband.

To be honest, now I'm getting a bit more anxious about finding a job soon.
The idea of a crappy job with low pay now doesn't look half that bad with this incredibly cheap housing option.

One heck of a lucky girl

Sometimes I'm really amazed at what a blessed life I have.
So much so nowadays I often find it hard to believe how miserable I let myself feel as a kid.
I really can't figure out what I have done to deserve such a good life.

I remember someone said I was crazy when I told her that I was nervous about how good my life was and that I was really afraid that something bad will come and ruin it.
Don't get me wrong.... I'm not saying my life is perfect. In fact, it's on the other end of the universe from perfection. It is so imperfect with the numerous "holes" in it that I know "some people" are really worried about me. My dear grandma and my wacky parents, for example.

However, I really truly believe that God has bestowed upon me a life so good that sometimes I can't help but feel guilty that I'm enjoying it so much. I feel guilty sometimes that I still have so many things I ask for in my prayers.
I keep telling myself that I need to "return" at least part of the blessings that I have received, to do my bit for the society I suppose. But the sad truth is I haven't done anything remotely close to adequate in this area. I haven't done anything. Period.

Every now and then I'm reminded of a plan I once had to get myself involved in a charity work.
"Soon", I keep telling myself , "Once I have at least settled down a bit. Once I have at least figured out where to stay."
I just hope I get to keep my promise before it's too late.

I am a strong believer of karma.
I might not be a devout buddhist who knows the sutras by heart, but I believe in the basic principles.
However, I do wonder if any good deeds done out of guilt, out of fear for losing the good life that one has -- in other words out of selfishness, still has its merits.
I doubt it.
But then again, I'm thinking: Heck, I'm human afterall!
Show me one man (or make that woman) with no fear and no trace of selfishness.
(OK, I'll let you have the late Mother Teresa. Anyone else?)
So I figure,something... anything is better than nothing, regardless of the motive.

Now...., if I can just figure out a way to get things moving.
Or actually, I suppose I should figure out where to stay put first.

Decomposing away...

I can't remember the last time I felt this way.
It sure sucks as hell.
Waiting sucks.
I wish some people would make up their mind what they want to do, whether or not they want me on their team.