Me? Green?

(Previous title: I AM GREEN!! Revised title to avoid potential misinterpretation as pointed out by chicagodimcorner)

I've started counting down to a few events.
There's the wacky clan gathering this weekend to celebrate my maternal gramps' 60th anniversary (I'm gonna be missing this quiet peace that I have right now at this moment). There's also my parents and my gramps' trip to China (I'm involved as the planner despite my not joining them in the trip, so I'm a bit stuck). Then of course, there is this coming Monday, which oh-by-the-way is going to be my first day at work in my new job.
I just had a really tiring day and I am going to have another great, long day tomorrow.
I wish I had Heroes' Hiro Nakamura power to stop time.

I've noticed how people keep pointing out at how good my life is.
It's not that I'm denying it: I am fully aware at how good my life is, as I think I have mentioned tons of time to almost everybody I know.
(Ooops... I suppose it's my own fault for pointing it out to everybody in the first place :P)

But then again, I am having problem figuring out why people have to focus so much on how the grass is greener on the on the other side.
I mean I do envy some people sometimes, but not all the time. Only once in a while and even then it's almost always just for a minute or two of daydreaming and that's it.
Of course, occasionally I might wonder if things had been different had I done some things differently, but I think I stop feeling that life is in anyway better for others.
God(s) has (have) been really nice to me by giving me an imperfect life to live. My totally imperfect self. My totally imperfect brain.My totally imperfect family. My totally imperfect life.
And it's all GOOD.

As a kid, I went through a period in which I thought God was playing a really cruel joke on me. I went through a rather long period of self-loathing, people-loathing, world-loathing, and all that crap, but I got through it and I think I stopped seeing the greener grass on the other side a while back. Most of the time now I only see a different shade of green now,be it emerald or jade, forest green or fern green, jungle green or sea green.
I see a different type of grass texture perhaps. A different root, a different length. That's it.

I suppose that's why it kind of gets to me sometimes when people come up to me and tell me in an envious tone at how good my life is or how fortunate or lucky I am compared to who and who.
The way I look at it, everybody's got their own sh*t to deal with. And mine is definitely gonna be different than yours.
And who knows what the real sh*t is that you're dealing with? So when we're in no way directly comparable to each other, how to tell when my side is greener than yours?

To me, all this talk about being green or greener is basically comparable to Brainy Smurf pointing out to Papa Smurf at how blue he is, or Doc or Sneezy pointing out to Grumpy that he's a dwarf.

So to all these people that I have been in contact with, let me just say:
ARE YOU COLOR BLIND? We're all GREEN!!!

Good morning, sunshine!

There are definitely times when I can't believe how nice GOD(s) is to me.
And this morning is definitely one of those days.
I wished for something just last night, and I got exactly what I wished for this morning.
7.42 am local time. Boy... GOD can sure be quite efficient some time.

After a follow-up appointment at the doctor's, I was initially planning to go shop for some decent work outfits (It won't be funny to run out of clothes to wear on a weekday, I don't think).
However, the idea of shopping on a saturday afternoon I suppose has somehow developed into a nightmarish picture to me. I chickened out and decided to stay at home instead.
I was ready to just decompose for the day, when my grandparents came home early.
Just one look at them and I knew how bored they were (thanks to those kids and grand kids who are so busy they can't even spare an hour or so every few weeks to just drop by and say hi).
Suddenly, I had one of my lightbulb moments and one word popped out: MAHJONG.

So my grandma and I had our first Mahjong 101 session with Grandpa as the instructor. It was quite fun to see how Grandma went from coyly peeking at Grandpa and me every once in a while, repeating every other minute or so that she knows nothing about mahjong, to dragging her own chair to join us. Before we knew it, she was already developing her own style in picking up her tiles and yelling PONG! like nobody's business. By the time we called it the day, a few hours had passed without us realizing it.

I'm just glad I chickened out of shopping today. It sure was more than worth it to see my grandpa's face lit up when I suggested that he teach me how to play the game. I'm just glad I found them something to do. Maybe next time I can arrange for a weekly mahjong game for them.

the good (intentions), the bad (girl) and the ugly (outcome)

There's a saying in Indonesian:
Semut di seberang lautan tampak, gajah di pelupuk mata tiada tampak.
It basically refers to how one can clearly see "an ant" across the ocean, while being oblivious to "the elephant" right under one's nose.

Interesting how fast people can judge a situation, "pinpoint" exactly the problem, and identify the culprit responsible for the situation, literally from thousands of miles away.
It didn't help that I pointed out that he had never been in my situation.
It didn't help that all the while I was thinking: "You are not even here. What do you know?"
It didn't help that at the back of my mind I kept thinking: "Speak for yourself.... Do you know how many complains I have received about you?"
It certainly didn't help also that I lost my cool and raised my voice when I felt I was being attacked, for a decision I made thinking that was the best for everyone.
It certainly sucks being the youngest in the family.

Anyway,
I really had no intention and I still fail to see how such a tiny decision of mine, driven by nothing but good intentions, can hurt anyone or at the very least negatively affect anyone in any way.
I really don't see why it has to be blown out ouf proportion like this. I came up with that idea with nothing but good intentions in mind.

It's interesting how some outsiders feel that I pay too much attention to my family's needs and wants, that I am not living my own life so to speak, while some insiders feel that I am a self-centered, spoilt brat, who cares about nothing but myself.
I find it a bit funny actually when I try to zoom out and look at the whole thing.

Anyway, this whole thing just reminds me of something that crossed my mind the other day.
I was watching a tv show and there was this dialog in i about a past mistake: A wrong decision again done with nothing but good intentions in mind, that might have hurt someone.
It reminded me of something I decided to do, and actually did, a few years ago.
Sometimes, just once in a blue moon perhaps, the cheesy bit in me would wonder if I somehow had hurt anyone's feelings. But at the same time, the critical rational bit in me goes: "Neahhhh....You did the best you could, girl!"
And then all's well again in my self-centered land....
I guess ...

There's someone that I really wish I could have a chat with right now, but I suppose there's no point in trying to talk to someone who doesn't really enjoy talking to you.

The lazy bum in me is using my knee as an excuse to skip my training.
For the most part though, I still think it is the best thing to do.
I'd rather wait until I get the doc's approval on Saturday before I start kicking again.

Big bang

Saw this while waiting at the doctor's today:

Son: "How much does it cost to get married, Dad?"
Father: " I'm not sure, Son.... I'm still paying for it now."

Got tons of stuff to do before I can start my new job, but my biggest problem now is my critically low level of confidence.
Pre-employment anxiety attack?
I really wish I could go out and jog right now. I bet it will feel really good, if not for my cranky left knee. I hope it turns out to be nothing major or permanent.

By the way, I really have to train myself to speak softer FAST. Wonder if anyone has ever failed their probation period at work for being too loud.

On a side note, we had our family photo taken a few weeks back when I was back home for CNY. I have always enjoyed, or actually admired, this particular photographer's work so I decided to ask him to take a picture of me, myself and I.
I have been really curious about the results and I finally got to see it today thanks to my Mom who sent it along with some documents I asked for.

*So happy*

Never in my life have I seen such a fancy picture...... with ME in it!!!!!
Call me a self-centered biatch if you want, I couldn't care less.
I definitely want a BIGASS print of that photo, even if it's going to take forever before I can afford a decent place of my own where I can put it up.
And it will definitely be on my personal list of priceless worldly possessions.

---------------------

An accident happened around the corner, just in front of our block while I was working on this post.
There was a short screeching sound before a really loud BANG.
The first kay-poh instinct in me tip-toed in high speed (to avoid disturbing my gramps who were already fast asleep) to the window but couldn't get any view. Not willing to give up, I speed-tip-toed again to the front door, thinking I would go downstairs to get a real close-up view.
As I was reaching out for the door, I suddenly froze.
"What if it gets really bloody?" I thought.
"What if the scene looks like something out of a horror movie? what if there are kids involved?"
I don't think I could've handled that. Although in hindsight, I doubt any parents with a straight mind will drag their kids around with them at 1 am in the morning during weekdays.

So I walked back to my room not realizing that my cousin were joining his parents in their room to watch the whole thing from the parents' window. He told me later that the accident involved a cab and a silver sedan.

So there you go... why the title for today's post is what it is : )
As for the casualties, my cousin thinks both drivers survived, albeit with some injuries of course.

Does it still count as a compliment when someone tells you:
"You're pretty lah.......(a short silence)....... I mean, ... I can see what you'll look like once you slim down."

Sometimes I wonder how a girl is supposed to take such a thing.

To have a perfect stranger, whom you have met less than 10 minutes in total, list out some really personal traits of mine was really an interesting experience.
Something he said though just strengthened my faith in the power of prayers and persistence.

Parents are great but they are even more amazing as grandparents.

My grandparents are really amazing people and I suppose my parents take after them.

In the case of my wacky parents, they take grand-parenting to a whole new level of wackiness.

Who else would lug BBQ pork, roti prata, chicken rice, tau-pok and the likes almost every single time they fly back home from this tiny blip on the blue planet? My dad who doesn't even step into a wet market back home would even go and volunteer to do the shopping himself.

(I just hope my lucky niece and nephew can see how lucky they are)

The downside of this, of course,.... I feel a tad guilty whenever I don't do the same thing for those wacky kids of my brother's.

You see... they're just too wacky to be true, ...... just the way I love them to be.

God knows what the heck they're doing in this picture, but it shouldn't be that hard to guess who instigated the whole thing.

the OUCH factor

Out of curiosity, I decided to experience what Threading is all about.
One word to describe it: .... OUCH!!!!
I almost swore I would never go for it again, before I realize how relatively short the pain was compared to my trying to tweeze my eyebrows myself.
Now for the latter, I not only get the same amount if not more pain, and I also lose time (due to lack of experience).

I used to have a very nice roomie who would help me out in this area. I really do miss her.....
(for more reasons that her excellent --and free!-- eyebrow-shaping service.
HAHAHA!

I can't believe how girly-girl I sound...... and VAIN also!
SHAME ON YOU, CHOCOHOLIC! SHAME ON YOU!!!!

sub·sti·tu·tion

Interestingly, two different yet almost similar things are going on in my life.
Well, at least in my mind..... and at least some parts of them are quite comparable to each other.

What would you do when you have a wish, a dream or a fantasy that you have been holding on to for a really long time, with very little sign of it becoming a reality anytime soon?
And all that you have to hold on to is hope, and a gut feeling that it is your destiny, well... maybe not to that extreme, but just this really weird sort of sixth sense that it is meant to be.

But then of course, it can very well be that you are just being delusional after years and years of convincing yourself that it is what it is.

Back to the dream.

So, after waiting and waiting for a while, or actually... make that a really long while, what would you do when someone offers you something else in place of this dream or fantasy?

"Take (Do) this and forget about that one." this person says to you.

The idealist, or at least the idealist-wannabe in me, would say "I really appreciate it. Thanks, but no, thanks."
The idealist me is saying that you don't achieve anything without perseverance and persistence. The idealist me is saying that one must stay true to his or her goal.

(By now you should have a pretty clear idea of how many cheesy movies and books I have come across in my life. I blame all the Chicken Soup series I gobbled up in high school.)

Where does one draw the line between persistence and ignorance?
Between bravery and foolishness?
Between perseverance and mere insanity?
Between patience and stupidity?

While mulling over these questions, I stumbled upon this:
Though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays.
- Sun Tzu -

So, now it's confirmed and I'm congratulating myself as I type, for it might be my highest achievement in life: A candidate for the biggest fool in the world.

Chat me not

I just got off the phone a few minutes ago with this poor friend of mine.
He called just for a quick chat, a quick hello, and I managed to torture him for about 2 hours?!?!?!?

Geesh.... sometimes I really wish I could shut myself up.
Where the heck did I get this super ability to chat like there's no tomorrow?

I think they should include me as the latest addition to the characters in the TV series HEROES: The girl who can kill people with her chattiness.
(Btw, I LURRRRVE that show!!! GO HIRO NAKAMURA!!!)
They have to pay me a fee to actually develop that character though.

Anyway, so people: Beware now! Call me not when you are not ready to face the dire consequence of death by speech.

YIPEE!!!
If nothing goes wrong, I might actually find myself a new accomodation. A new place for myself, also at a marginal cost, thanks to the wonderfully large extended family that I have. And what's even better, I might actually get the whole place for myself!!!!
Of course then again, I should probably not count my chickens before they hatch.

Still, I still need to thank my wacky aunt (who also took care of me as a toddler) and her husband.

To be honest, now I'm getting a bit more anxious about finding a job soon.
The idea of a crappy job with low pay now doesn't look half that bad with this incredibly cheap housing option.

One heck of a lucky girl

Sometimes I'm really amazed at what a blessed life I have.
So much so nowadays I often find it hard to believe how miserable I let myself feel as a kid.
I really can't figure out what I have done to deserve such a good life.

I remember someone said I was crazy when I told her that I was nervous about how good my life was and that I was really afraid that something bad will come and ruin it.
Don't get me wrong.... I'm not saying my life is perfect. In fact, it's on the other end of the universe from perfection. It is so imperfect with the numerous "holes" in it that I know "some people" are really worried about me. My dear grandma and my wacky parents, for example.

However, I really truly believe that God has bestowed upon me a life so good that sometimes I can't help but feel guilty that I'm enjoying it so much. I feel guilty sometimes that I still have so many things I ask for in my prayers.
I keep telling myself that I need to "return" at least part of the blessings that I have received, to do my bit for the society I suppose. But the sad truth is I haven't done anything remotely close to adequate in this area. I haven't done anything. Period.

Every now and then I'm reminded of a plan I once had to get myself involved in a charity work.
"Soon", I keep telling myself , "Once I have at least settled down a bit. Once I have at least figured out where to stay."
I just hope I get to keep my promise before it's too late.

I am a strong believer of karma.
I might not be a devout buddhist who knows the sutras by heart, but I believe in the basic principles.
However, I do wonder if any good deeds done out of guilt, out of fear for losing the good life that one has -- in other words out of selfishness, still has its merits.
I doubt it.
But then again, I'm thinking: Heck, I'm human afterall!
Show me one man (or make that woman) with no fear and no trace of selfishness.
(OK, I'll let you have the late Mother Teresa. Anyone else?)
So I figure,something... anything is better than nothing, regardless of the motive.

Now...., if I can just figure out a way to get things moving.
Or actually, I suppose I should figure out where to stay put first.

Decomposing away...

I can't remember the last time I felt this way.
It sure sucks as hell.
Waiting sucks.
I wish some people would make up their mind what they want to do, whether or not they want me on their team.

sushi fund

You know you're getting old, when you're seeing:
SUSHI FUND SCANDAL

instead of
SLUSH FUND SCANDAL

when going through the newspaper headline about the trial involving Hyundai Motor Chairman.

Well, it's either I'm getting old or I'm really hungry....

Home.... the new Atlantis

Just some pics I got from BBC and CNN:

Week at a glance

It has been a rather interesting week.
When last week began with a high "high" on Monday, I wondered if my plan was going to work out after all.
Then Friday afternoon came, and instead of that one phone call I was waiting for, I was hit with a surprise "road block" a la Amazing Race instead.
Though I was a bit upset, I refused to let the thing ruin the weekend that I had planned. So the show had to go on.
Went to Cafe del Mar with some of my classmates and I found myself really enjoying the place. The weather of course helped a lot, with the clear sky, full moon and plenty of cooling breeze. Afterwards, some of us went on for a second round at St. James by this end of the bridge.
It's quite a fun place and I also quite enjoyed the place as I didn't feel as out of place as in the case last time when I tried Ministry of Sound.

And so the new week came in at an all-time low, with the realisation that my plan might not work out after all.
Having to get up really early to avoid the long and winding line only to deal with grumpy immigration officers is just not my idea of fun.
On the bright side, however, I managed to scour my stack of junk to find that one letter that showed the silly changes done by this supposedly well-established local educational institution.

I was browsing through some books on Chinese astrology at the book store.
I guess you can say I'm a skeptic believer.... I listen or I read, I believe for like 5 minutes and I forget for the rest of the year, until it's time again for these publishers to come up with new ones for the following year.
I dunno... I just think it's kinda' fun to pretend for at least a second that you know what's gonna happen to the world, or at the very least, your life.

So, if you have the option for a relatively safe yet rather boring year or an exciting yet uncertain year when you have to constantly jump hoops and all (of course with at least a 50:50 chance of either making it big or falling really hard), which do you prefer?
I suppose the answer of course depends on which stage of your life you're currently at. At this point of my life however, I think I'd take any hoops rather than a quiet, boring year.
So, bring it on, world! Gimme all you've got!This snake ain't scared of ya!!!
BRING IT ON!!!

P.s. I'm not sure how to react when someone strongly insists that you have coloured your hair, when you really haven't. Should I be sad coz that means my hair looks fake, or worse, unhealthy? Or should I be happy coz I saved myself the trouble and cost of a professional hair color session? By the way, it just got me wondering what's the point of listing info on eye and hair color on our passports, which I remember seeing on my older ones. Curious what they listed on mine, I flipped through my fairly new passport while waiting at the Immigration office this morning and only then did I find out that they had taken out the information on hair and eye colour(at least the ones issued by our beloved country that's turning into Atlantis).I suppose it makes perfect sense, with all the colored contacts and DIY hair color products in the market.

I guess I'd better stop rambling nonsense here. Must go and pick up the car from the service centre, where I dropped it off this afternoon for a regular "check-up" and pampering "car spa" service. Hope it won't cost me an arm and a leg.

Time: January 29th 2007 , 4.50 pm
Place: A living room in one corner of this blip on the blue planet.

IT'S THE PHONE CALL I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR FOR THE PAST 2 MONTHS!

Let's see how it goes on Friday then.... I'm keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed (real hard).
I can't believe I actually heard back from them, but who knows.... ^_^

Btw, thanks to my trainer's idea, I have managed to succesfully gained some beautiful bruises on my elbow. By now I really can't help but suspect that he is actually enjoying watching me hurt myself, even just for a bit.

Get(ting) real, .... or at least trying to

As if it's not bad enough that one's heart is beyond the jurisdiction of one's brain, I can't even get my brain to control my mind. So now my heart and my mind are in cahoots and my brain is left with no allies. No wonder one of my best gal pals always tells me that I live to torture myself.

Assuming that what I have been hearing a lot lately is true, that my idealistic approach will never get me anywhere in life (i.e. "GET REAL!"), I thought the time had come for me to really sort out the load of junk in my life: Time to sort out my fantasies, dreams, ambitions, and reality. However, I'm finding it extremely hard to do, though..... exactly for the above reason.
One is a 22-year old dream (although it was stuffed away in closet for the past 6 years) and the other is an ongoing wish cum 10-yr old fantasy (also stuffed away in the darkest corner of the closet for the past few years).

Realistically, I should really throw everything out the door. But when you have lived with these dreams and fantasies for so long, they kinda' form part of your identity (albeit a confused one, in my case). I suppose getting rid of it might be like Cindy Crawford finding out that her mole needs to be removed for health reasons, or Hugh Grant losing his tousled hair overnight, Julia Roberts or Angelina Jolie getting a procedure to reduce the size of her lips. I mean, remember Enrique Iglesias? I bet you do.... at least the original version with the mole. Boy I bet he misses the mole now.

*Sigh*
Well, anyway it's not like I don't want to do what's necessary. It's just so darn hard!
I'm telling myself I'll just have to take one step at a time..... Lemme see what I can start with....
Oh I know!
*lightbulb moment*

Maybe I'll start by..... ............pampering myself with enough sleep : )

P.s. I haven't got the faintest idea what the heck Rain is saying in his song "I do", but somehow the song can always help brighten up my crappy days.

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me you see now how can that be?
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Keep you all where the light is
Just keep us where the light is
Ohh.. where the light is!

-Gravity (John Mayer)-

Btw, where do you draw the line between simply having a good network and nepotism/cronyism?(hope I got the spelling right)