nonsensical nonsense

When something that feels so right....

2011-10-15T12:13:00.000-05:00

is so wrong...
I really don't know what to do.

Story of an E72

2011-05-10T12:32:00.000-05:00

When a while back my aunt was looking for a spare phone, I told her she could grab mine.

I had two actually...

So about two or three weeks ago, she picked them up and subsequently made her son call and thank me for the HTC Desire that she insisted he really enjoyed.

Over the weekend though, when I dragged them out for dinner with my dad, my aunt casually asked me,"So can I delete everything in the phone? Do you still need them?"

She wasn't talking about the HTC this time. She was talking about my old Nokia E72. The second phone I had relied on before I decided to move on with my life and go for androids.

Gosh, I almost forgot about this phone.

I casually grabbed the phone from her and checked the contacts....

Found some that would come in handy but told myself to forget it as I have survived more than a year without them.

To my horror though, I found the thousands of smses all still intact when I went through the folders. I didn't realize that they were all still there as I didn't have the habit of deleting my messages until my phone screams for memory (which it did not do). I told my aunt I needed time to check everything and grabbed the phone back from her.

That night, I took my own sweet time and scrolled down the list of messages.

The problems I was going through, the arguments I had, the jokes shared with friends, the work smses, even down to a single sms left from the "stalker" (think this one somehow slipped when I deleted those strings of smses); all of them recorded like part of a diary, down to the exact time when those thoughts are jotted down.

And of course, there were those meaningless sweet nothings sent back and forth between two very good friends. Words that really did not mean anything (on hindsight) but somehow did put a smile on my face before I went to bed. Some of them really had very strong saccharine-like quality (wonder if saccharine can cause sugar-high effects). Among them was the "Honey, I love you" message in my inbox that I think had freaked me out and woke me up.

The same month in the following year as that message, I received a mass message notifying a group of friends of an upcoming wedding.

Not that it affected me or anything like that (not in denial mode here. really...)

But it's just interesting how fickle the human heart (and mind) can be.

I scrolled back up and down another time after I sorted out the messages by sender, just so I could see the chronological order.

Another interesting chapter of my life that taught me another very good lesson, I thought to myself once I was done.Fast and furious was another thought.

And with that, I toggled the button to "Options", then "Mark all" and "Delete".

Chapter closed with a concluding note: No More Nokia.

* The E72 was hand-delivered to my aunt's place Monday evening to start a whole new life. No witness protection program was offered.

Mothers' Day breaks my heart nowadays....

2011-04-24T12:16:00.000-05:00

Change is the only constant thing...

2011-04-18T13:49:00.003-05:00

不知道什么时候开始。。。原本怕热的我变开始怕冷了。
还记得以前多么享受冷的天气，可是最近突然发现自己晚上还满怕冷的。。。

以前在美国的时候有租过一间没有加热机的房子。在冬天晚上感觉好像要死的时候，还很气的提醒自己做鬼也要找房东报仇。那时候冷到全生发抖的我会带着两瓶温水睡。每晚睡觉都会点怕自己隔天会醒不起来，在床上死掉。。。

虽然我还是一样怕死，我觉得现在的感觉有点不一样。。。
以前怕的冷好像没有痛。。。
现在怕的冷会痛。。。

本来还想：“wah-say...不是吧？！？！？！才几岁而已。。。难道要输给我八十几岁外公？”
可是后来发现。。。这总痛的感觉有点怪。。。
痛的不是骨头，不是肚子，而是心里。。。
有时候还痛到不知不觉自己开始哭了起来。。。

hahaha....够drama吧？

anyway...连怕热的我也有今天这样开始怕冷。。。
I suppose change is the only constant thing in this life....
好像我今天第一次用华语在自己的部落各PO。。。还满好玩的吗。。。。只希望没有懂华语的人看，然后笑到肚子痛---应为写的字全部都错。
可是看在我这一辈子只学了几个月的华语，应该写得还好吧？：P

丁噹 - 一半 KTV

2011-03-08T11:33:00.000-06:00

Dang!

Listening to this song is like having someone peeping while you're changing....

蕭煌奇-阿嬤的話

2011-02-14T09:26:00.000-06:00

Bawled my eyes out 30 seconds into this song...

Was gonna share this song via facebook initially but I figure it would

only make things worse, bringing back memories of my late maternal grandma.

And my Mom who's constantly monitoring facebook nowadays will only be more devastated.

A Mah,

I really really really miss you....

蕭煌奇只能勇敢 - another lesson

2011-02-14T09:21:00.000-06:00

Another song for my self-study mandarin lesson:

萧煌奇 - 只能勇敢
作词：姚若龙作曲/编曲：萧煌奇

从很早就明白我讨厌孤单
就算是谈情感有许多麻烦
也还是很向往爱的人来作伴
太冲动的结果反而一片混乱
更心酸更孤单

失恋过才明白相处有多难
谁粗心谁敏感谁体贴谁独断
谁说出了期盼谁觉得是批判
当争吵都变成冷战也让情感被切断

我只能勇敢学习释然
把情人的泪还有责备全部承担
从不习惯对曾经炽热的爱情
分手就冷淡

我只能勇敢顺其自然
谁叫我对于真爱那么期盼
不想要关住了自己
安全但却太黑暗

幸福过才明白要永恒多梦幻
这一秒的美好下一刻就暗淡
问再多为什么也不会有答案
但心里很清楚以后有更多无解
的遗憾

我只能勇敢学习释然
把离别的苦思念的酸都看淡
人总要习惯生命就是一站一站
不断在转换

我只能勇敢顺其自然
谁叫我宁愿浪漫不要平淡
不投入盛大烟火表演
没有危险但也不灿烂

不怕爱情苦乐都极端

2010-12-12T12:51:00.000-06:00

Interesting how some people just have that special touch.
When all it takes is a few words from them for you to put things back in perspective and regain that faith and confidence to face the obstacles in front of you.

God or whoever it is who created me sure is complicated.
He/She/It/ They throw(s) me curve balls while giving me access to my own coach and cheer-leaders, making it very hard to give up.

All I want for Christmas...

2010-12-07T10:54:00.000-06:00

is a hug.

Or a shoulder on loan.
(No, it's not because of the upper back spasm I had recently)

But then of course there will be tons of things I would like to have for New Year's, my birthday, Chinese New Year, Labor Day, and so on and so on...

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head...

2010-11-23T11:40:00.001-06:00

Interesting how some people just have that special touch.

When all it takes is a few words from them for you to put things back in perspective and regain that faith and confidence to face the obstacles in front of you.

God or whoever it is who created me sure is complicated.

He/She/It/ They throw(s) me curve balls while giving me access to my own coach and cheer-leaders, making it very hard to give up.

With that, I guess I will still be holding on to this personal anthem I have been holding on to since my secondary school days...

It sucks...

2010-11-14T11:13:00.000-06:00

... when you feel like committing murder but know you are not capable of it
... when you feel like strangling a person to death and you can't because his or her boss pays for your income
... when you feel like banging a person's head against the wall but you can't because his or her blood runs in you
... when you get shit dumped on you and even though it's not your shit you still have to clear it
... when you get blamed for the shit dumped on you when you are not the one who came up with the shit in the first place
... when you wish you could clone yourself but you can't
... when you wish you could switch off your heart and not care but find that you can't
... when you find that no one bothers to listen to you, even when you scream your heart out
... when you find yourself talking to a wall (no wonder they don't listen... silly me)

Gosh it's Monday again.
Still have to deal with my beloved client "Auntie thousand wind" .... I swear to God there are hundreds of times during my less than 2 months stay here that I was really tempted to tell her to go and "F*** off!!"

O well...
Not as if I had not been thru shit before, rite? Bring it on, auntie! I shall change your name to "Auntie thousand fart" instead.... the earlier name is too pretty for you.

Bring it on! Who's afraid of the big bad fart.
(sorry for the disgusting pseudonym)

2010-08-16T12:57:00.001-05:00

When leaving your job feels like breaking up with someone, you know you're in a deep shit.

August is one crazy month.
Nope. Not talking about the weather though it sure has a mind of its own nowadays....

Just another manic monday...

2010-07-26T12:22:00.001-05:00

after a very hectic weekend.

My aunt planned an early celebration of grandpa's b'day so my parents were in town. Dad has been in and out a lot recently but Mom only flew in on Saturday. The trip back from the airport stretched one whole day as we made quite a few stops along the way. First it was the famous Ng Ah Sio pork ribs soup for lunch with my aunt who tagged along. Next stop was Funan to shop for my aunt's mobile phone and unsuccessful attempt at scoring a new suitcase for my dad. After that, I dragged them to chinatown with me as I needed to find something there. Evening was spent at yet another aunt's place before we doubled back towards Ang Mo Kio to visit my great-aunt who apparently was recently hospitalized.

Grandpa's b'day lunch took up most of the day on Sunday. It's really quite sad how different things are without my grandma around...

I woke up early on Monday only to realize I had forgotten my "homework". Luckily I managed to calm down and coughed up the framework in about 1 hour's time. And even luckier as my boss was in a meeting the whole morning, so I had time to touch up the thing with more details. In fact, I think she totally forgot about it until after lunch, when I asked to see her for a quick discussion.

I didn't leave office until 7 pm as I wanted to recheck the figures. Lucky I did coz I caught some mistakes. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I don't leave traces of anything major there.
Was supposed to meet up with a friend and his partner for dinner but sadly found my lancer refusing to cooperate. Dinner had to be rescheduled and I was stuck at the parking lot waiting for help, which cost me about 10% of my basic salary.
Just great...

Operation tight belt on!

My first nite...

2010-07-04T06:20:00.001-05:00

I finally lost my world-cup virginity.
And thanks to Germany, I am $10 richer : )

I tried to arrange for a world-cup outing, but due to lack of experience :P the whole thing almost fell apart with people ready to just go home after we failed to get any table despite combing the Selegie and City Hall area.

In the end, we settled for this bar on 70/F with visuals but no audio. PL managed to get AO to replace AT. However, WE & KH couldn't get in because of the dress code and YK ended up as the only guy who made it.

I think world cup should be most interesting compared to whatever leagues and championships around.
I prefer to see the purer side of sport, where commercial decisions such as club financing comes into play.
Kinda a shame that I only started so late into the competition, but it's always better late than never.

Wonder if I should subscribe to the football channel in August so I can better educate myself before the next world cup.... :P

Make a wish today....

2010-07-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

It was Friday night. Netherlands vs Brazil was suppose to be on at 10 pm, but I couldn't find anyone to go and lose my world-cup virginity :P

( I'm hoping the plan for tonight will work out somehow)

Determined to break my pattern of working overtime on Fridays, I decided to drop everything and leave around 6 pm. Whatever it was, it just had to wait. I told myself the world was not going to crumble if I send my report at 10 am on Monday instead of 7 pm on Friday. I have a life and people just have to accept it.

On my way out I decided to call a friend. I knew she was most likely still at the office.

Aside from being Capricorns, we do share a lot in common and I was determined to break her pattern too.

I did manage to get her out of her office and we ended up in Novena area for a "budget" dinner, which turned out to be free for me as she insisted on footing the bill to cover her "taxi" fare.

My friend asked to go for a round of drinks after that. She had had a rough week and I had nothing to do.
So I brought her to my secret corner on the 70/F -- a place I usually don't share with many people in my futile attempt to keep the place obscure. And she fell in love with the place too.

While my friend downed her first Cape Mentelle Sauvignon Blanc, her third drink for the night, she was lamenting how she was overworked, which was the extreme opposite of her situation less than a year ago, when she had been totally under-utilized and had wished she had more workloads and more important roles to play. Jokingly, I told her that the lesson learnt was clear: Be careful what you wish for.

I shared with her how I am a firm believer of the power of creative visualization.
As a kid, my family was on the weak side financially. Although I am blessed with very good parents who assured me and my brother of sufficient nutrition and healthcare (as evidenced by my size) and equally important education, abundance was not anywhere in sight.
Mom had to wreck her brain to feed 13 people with 1 chicken. The wonderful meals and treats she managed to whip up from time to time reminds me of Jesus with the five loaves of bread and two fish in the bible.
I remember seeing some of the well-to-do families we got to know from the buddhist group our family used to join, and I couldn't help but feel a bit envious. I remember as a kid imagining that one day I would be able to study architecture, study overseas, work overseas and drive a car (Our family of four had to rely on my dad's scooter then and I thought female drivers looked damn cool then). I wished so hard for it, I remember I managed to conjure up very clear images whenever I closed my eyes.

Dreaming was my hobby as a child.

Dream. So you can achieve.
Ask. So you will be given.
Fight. So you can win.

My Mom had taught me the above at a very young age.
I probably have written about this somewhere in this blog but I still feel like sharing the story.

There was no nursery in my Dad's hometown, where I stayed with grandparents when my parents moved to Jakarta. When my brother started kindergarten there, there was nothing available for the 2.5 years old me. My grandparents who doted on me so much couldn't bear to see me sad & upset (read: throw tantrums) when I didn't have anyone to play with. They begged the principals to just let me wear the uniforms and hang out in class. They promised that I would behave myself and would not disrupt the class, which I did deliver.

When my brother and I were finally sent to Jakarta to join my parents, the school refused to acknowledge my kindergarten certificate as I was too young. I had to go back to year 1. Everyday after school, I would complain to my mom that school was boring as they kept telling us to draw lines and circles. Instead of taking it on herself, my mom threw the ball to me: "If you want to, you can ask the teacher to move you up to Year 2. You can then learn more interesting things there."

"But how do I do that? What do I say to the teacher?" I asked.
She then taught me a one-liner that I memorized and practiced a few times in front of her.
With a twisted feeling in my stomach, every morning for the next one whole week, I would run up to the teacher's desk before class started every morning and recite that one liner, before immediately turning away and running back to my seat.

Puzzled, the teacher finally asked to see my mom after that one week.
Thanks to my mom's bargaining skills, I got what I wanted.

It's probably one of the earliest lessons in life that Mom has taught me.
While I have not managed to fully implement it, there have quite a few occasions in which I have done so, in my school years as well as my work life:

Ask.
You might just get your wish.
And when you don't, ask again.
Fight.

Just going thru a relapse

2010-06-26T10:15:00.001-05:00

(Lagi kumat aja mellow-nya.... Pls excuse me)

Kadangkala aku bertanya
dimana cinta berada
tersembunyi tiada kunjung menghampiri

Dua angsa memadu rindu
di danau biru bercumbu
pagut sepi ku di sini
letih hati

Begitu jauh
waktu ku tempuh
sendiri mengayuh
biduk kecil, hampa berlayar
akankah berlabuh ?
hanya diam
menjawab kerisauan

Kadangkala aku berkhayal
seorang di ujung sana
juga tengah menanti
tiba saatnya

Begitu ingin
berbagi batin
mengarungi hari
yang berwarna
dimana dia
pasangan jiwaku ?
ku mengejar bayangan
kian menghilang

- Pasangan Jiwa (Katon Bagaskara)-

Klakustik-Tak Bisa Ke Lain Hati

2010-06-26T09:33:00.000-05:00

Part of the music I grew up with...

There goes my plan...

2010-06-20T09:24:00.001-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2256212/?GT1=38001

A nite with Geoffrey Archer

2010-06-19T04:54:00.002-05:00

Actually really wanted to go out to beerfest today. Thought that would be fun but couldn't get anyone to go with me. I think it'd be bloody boring to go by myself.

I do have an invitation from a friend to join him and his friends for a world cup session, but considering my level of understanding of the game, I was worried that I'd just end up annoying them with my questions. Anyway considering I just had wine last nite with some of the girls from NUS, I have decided it maybe a good idea to cut down on alcohol and give it a pass.

For one thing, I am starting to see alcohol as really expensive additional calories... Not that I don't enjoy it but I suppose I really need to start cutting down as much as I can both on cost and calories. 4Cs should be my motto from now on: Cut Cost, Cut Calories :P

So... I guess tonight it's just me, Geoffrey Archer's Lucifer Network and perhaps some Jason Mraz in between.

Julia Fordham - Happy Ever After

2010-06-15T09:39:00.001-05:00

Don't ask me why....

This tune just started buzzing in my head a few days ago....

I would hear this song once in a while, here and there... but I never knew the title.

Never one to memorize titles and lyrics to start with.

And I struggled before finally finding this on youtube. Somehow the buzzing sound in my head had been a guy... guess I was wrong :P

I love female singers with sexy, husky vocals.

Gosh I am really nervous. Not really quite sure how to face the holy trinity when I come forward with my plan. God help me....

Repeat note to self: Cool as cucumber. Cool as cucumber. Cool as cucumber....

August 2010

2010-06-14T11:46:00.002-05:00

I have just realized I stopped working out after grandma passed away.

Just the other day someone asked why I stopped going to the gym.

I couldn't remember clearly why. Maybe subconsciously I tried my best to wipe out my life around that time.Well, but then again maybe I just have selective short-term memory span.

I did pick up swimming though. I did learn to swim though only breast stroke.

I have not managed to do proper front crawl before my trainer moved to Dubai for work.

Lost the momentum and have not gone back to it ever since.

August 2010.

I promise.

I will be back.

Damn! My English is seriously rusty...

2010-06-13T09:45:00.000-05:00

One year has passed....

2010-06-12T09:02:00.005-05:00

I'm glad I didn't have to be alone today. My brother, sis-in-law and the two goofballs, i.e. my niece and nephew are in town. Dad also happened to be in town. We went out for dinner. Dad then went home while the rest of us went to catch Karate Kid.

Exactly one year ago, 12 June 2009, was the day I lost my maternal grandmother. I will always remember how she still tried to comfort me as I cried and held her in my arms. I will always remember walking back to the emergency ward with her on the stretcher. I just wish I had held her hands tight then.

12 June 2009 was a horrible day and the impeccable impression I had of the healthcare system in Singapore is totally tarnished forever. I still believe she was a victim of a terrible system. High volume of cases public hospitals have to manage should not be an excuse.

The trials and tribulations did not stop there, and almost immediately after losing my grandma, my family and I had to struggle with a major crisis at home and for the first time in a very, very long while, beyond just wishing everything was a bad dream, I actually wished that I could just go to sleep and not wake up again. The temptation to buckle was very strong. There were days when I would wake up from sleep with tears in my eyes. There were days when I really felt numb and stoned. It felt as if part of me had died that year.

Fortunately, I am blessed with a handful of very good friends who supported me all the way and patiently listened to all the drama I had to share. Until one day, I got fed up burying myself in my own tears. I told myself I had to be strong and survive and tried to relate the same message to my family: The more the world wants to see us buckle, drop down and die, the more we have to prove them wrong.

For a period of time, I couldn't bring myself to blog. Whenever I tried to, nothing would come out. It was quite hard to shift out the things that were overloading my mind, which was mostly filled with problems, negativity, frustrations and despair.

That is not how I wanted to remember my life.

So I decided to stop blogging. I decided to ride the waves first and savor every flavor that life throws at me: The bitter, the sour, the salty and the sweet. I stood there at the beach and I challenged the ocean. Bring it on, I said. As I stepped into the water, I took a quick look at the soft stretch of white sands and promised myself that I would be back, stronger than ever.

The following is not exactly a captain's log. Not exactly a list of achievements, as I haven't really done much. Just simply doing some stock-taking. I suppose. So here we go: The following are some of the things I have done or gone through in the past year, in no particular order:

Traveled to two more countries in Asia Pacific: Australia and Japan.
Bought my first ridiculously-priced branded bag: I love the soft yet sturdy leather but it's seriously one bad case of an impulsive buy. I'm planning to extract the maximum amount of mileage of this bag.
Saw how a closely-knit family was torn with the departure of the matriarch: Nothing can stop greed and ego, I suppose.
Was a bridesmaid for the second time. It was my first in Jakarta and I think it's more fun in Singapore.
Was a "brother" (groomsmen in Singapore) for the first time: I'm quite sure this would be the last, too.
Found my soul mate.
Realized it was all an illusion: No soul mate was found and the most wonderful time of my life had to end in less than 2 months. Previously, I had never believed in the idea of handing over one's happiness in the hand of another, but somehow before I knew it, I was doing it. I was weak and scared. In my desperate search for assurance, I wanted to tap on the confidence that he always exudes, to lead me out of my black hole and remove all the lingering questions. I suppose that was too much to ask of anyone and I have no one else to blame but myself for this. It was all my fault. Luckily, we kind of sorted things out. We will always be friends (I hope) and I have learned a lot from the brief adventure. One of the lessons learnt: Unless you're prepared to put your friendship at stake when you make that leap of faith, stick to being friends.
While I did not cry when we spoke, or when I sent the sms after that ( Yes, we are of the new generation and my decision went out by sms), for a while it felt like another bit of me died all over again. I was back in limbo and in my attempt to break free, decided to challenge myself. In this case, I went on my very first blind date. When I say blind, I seriously went in blind. Not as in meeting a visually-impaired guy kind-of-way, of course. I just went out with a total stranger. Not through a dating agency or anything corny like that. OK, so we did exchange pictures, but for all I know, everything he had said about himself might be a huge lie. I don't think it was awful and the 4.5 hr chat was quite interesting but I suppose there is really no future there. I am just glad I am properly trained in my alcoholism and despite a few rounds of martini, my head was still screwed on right and I turned down his invitation to go to his place that night. However, out of curiosity (and boredom, I suppose), I did go out with him again for a movie on a week-night. Relax... nothing happened. He did ask me to give him a call again, but I don't think I will be doing that. I just don't feel like doing it.
Was a maid-of-honor for the first time and saw two of my best friends finally tying the knot. It was a good day, although I will forever regret my excellent reflex that day: Shouldn't have responded so fast when the inexperienced MC called my name by mistake. Damnit. (Sorry, roomie...)
Finally closing my very own major deal, or at least I think it is. About 1.5 years from the first time I touched base with the client, and about 8 months after I secured the exclusive appointment, the client has finally signed the Letter of Offer. The message is clear: Persistence and perseverance does pay (occassionally).
For the first time, closed two cases in one week with another client confirming to close yet another deal as soon as we clear their legal. Two-and-a-half deal in a week ain't that bad, right?
Finally sold my soul to the devil and I am afraid I may be forever in debt till the day I die. Well, at least I won't have to worry about awkward situations staying at my own place and I believe my banker, aka my dad, will be quite friendly. So yea... I'm so looking forward to August.
Found myself to be the last one standing officially at my second home in this island: At work. Everyone from the old gank has left and I am the only one still around. While I keep telling everyone that it's just life -- people come and people go --- occasionally the dark side would come and take a stab at me and the loneliness and sadness would creep in. I have been looking but not much luck so far. I have however, squeezed a promotion and a measly raise from my boss and turned down 1 offer. I have one offer in hand, which I may be turning down very soon. The push is just not as strong with the new project I have in hand and the pull is just not as strong as I had hoped for. One thing is for sure: I will continue to be on the lookout.

I don't know what life has in store for me next. But after what I have gone through the past year, I know for sure that I will ride the waves and survive.

It will take a while before I can stop crying whenever I see grandma's photo and I still miss my mom's laughter. I am worried about my father and my brother, my sis-in-law and the kids. I am also worried I am not spending enough time with my grandfather.

I also still worry about my career and my future.

And while I will have a home very soon, I am still looking for my "home".

But, whatever it is, BRING IT ON!!

BRING IT ON, LIFE!!

I'm not scared of you.

I am a survivor.

Phasing out....

2009-06-26T09:47:00.003-05:00

Bought two books and a japanese restaurant guide (don't ask me why) after work today.
I think I need to phase out and recover after yesterday's triple whammy.

I hope 2009 is bottoming out for me....coz I don't think I can handle what's on my plate now as it is....

I'm tired ...

2009-06-25T09:46:00.003-05:00

I have never felt more useless and weaker than today.
It feels as if the world is caving in on me and there is nothing I can do....

Can't help but remember how I used to occasionally think my life was too good to be true, that something was gonna go haywire on me.

Right now, it definitely doesn't feel good to be right.

12 June 2009

2009-06-22T15:08:00.003-05:00

Friday, 12 June 2009 was one of the darkest days in my family, when I lost my beloved grandmother. While I don't see the point in a further investigation to pursue legal action, as nothing will bring her back, I hope by sharing my family's experience, I can raise some awareness on patient's rights. Even if only one family is saved from having to go through what my grandmother had to go through, it is definitely more than worth it:

After my grandmother was admitted to the A&E ward sometime between 7 & 8 am that Friday morning, the doctor in charge of her case came out to explain that they suspected either heart attack or internal bleeding in the digestive system. However, an endoscopy to be confirm the latter had to wait until her BP, recorded as low as 67 by the medics who responded to our 995 call, stabilizes at a normal level. We had to wait outside the ward without any access to her as we were told only patients were allowed inside. By 11 am, we were told she was responding to the fluids they were giving her and her BP was slowly climbing up and that she was still weak but in stable condition. Around 3 pm, while I went away to grab lunch, my aunt was instructed to wait at a lift lobby by the main block as they were going to transfer my grandmother to the endoscopy centre, and we could not enter the A&E ward which had a short cut. Interpreting that as a sign that finally she was stable and strong enough to go through the endoscopy, I was very relieved and rushed to catch up with my aunt at the particular lift lobby on the 2nd floor, where my aunt was told to wait.

After a few minutes, I grew anxious and decided to ask around as there was no sign of my grandmother nor any signage leading to endoscopy centre where we were waiting. At the advise of a staff there, I rushed back to A&E, only to be told that my grandmother was still inside A&E ward. I was told to be on standby outside the ward and that the doctor will come and explain my grandmother's conditions as well as get our consent form before they could transfer her to the endoscopy centre. Just as I was going to pick up my mobile phone to contact my aunt, I received an sms from a cousin who bumped into my grandmother at the Kent Ridge Wing, all the way at the other end of the hospital, where the endoscopy centre is. I immediatly confronted the A&E staff who subsequently apologized and confirmed that my grandmother was already on her way to the endoscopy centre.

In the end, we did not proceed with the endoscopy. While my aunt managed to convince my grandmother to proceed with the procedure, despite her initial reluctance, the doctor advised them that she was in good enough condition to be warded first for observation for the night, and that the endoscopy could be done the following day. The whole trip from one end of the hospital to the other was wasted and my grandmother was sent back to A&E as they claimed the bed in the regular ward was not ready for her.

Back at the A&E ward, when we complained to the doctor in charge of my grandmother's case, she explained that there was some confusion because the endoscopist did not follow standard procedure whereby he/she was supposed to go to A&E ward to personally check on my grandmother's condition, discuss her condition with us and getting our consent before actually proceeding with the transfer (Note: The reason given was that the doctor was too busy at the endoscopy centre). Instead, the endoscopist had instructed for my grandmother to be transferred first and for the discussion as well as consent to be done at the endoscopy centre, which was at the Kent Ridge Wing, at the other end of the hospital from where the A&E ward is. On hindsight, I still feel strongly that the doctor should not have transferred any patient with potential internal bleeding without first checking whether or not he / she is stable enough to be moved around.

When we checked on her condition with the doctor at A&E, we were told that she was doing well enough even to be eating porridge (Again, on hindsight I keep blaming myself for not asking: Potential internal bleeding in the digestive system vs porridge?). At the moment, relieved to hear that, we decided to take a break and grab a bite at the the food court. Around 5.30 pm we received a phone call on my aunt's mobile that my grandmother was being transferred to Ward 78 bed 9 and that we could see her there. We rushed there only to find bed 9 empty. When my aunt called to check with the A&E ward, they said that she was on her way. Standing outside the room, it was that time when I heard a nurse yelling "Code Blue" behind the drawn curtain of bed 10. We decided to step aside to make way for the nurses and doctors who rushed in. We were calmly waiting by the nurses' counter, not realizing that it was my grandmother in bed 10 until a doctor stepped out of the room a few minutes later and asked for relatives of my grandmother's. She told us she was in critical condition and she asked if anyone of us knew what happened that morning and what she was admitted for.
I could not believe my own ears ( I still don't) that the doctors at the ward had no record of my grandmother's condition.

Within less than an hour after that, we lost her.
Our only consolation is that we managed to get my grandfather by her bedside during her last moments.

I understand later from one of the nurses that when she received my grandmother in the ward, she was already in non-responsive condition. No info was available on her condition from A&E, except from an earlier phone call informing a transfer of a patient with potential internal bleeding case. As this is the first time ever she had received a patient in non-responsive condition, she decided to call the police, who later came to take her away. Believing that she could still hear and feel pain, we made the decision to insist on no autopsy. I suppose the decision also means we will have to live the rest of our lives without knowing for sure what really caused her death. The death certificate stated "hypertensive heart attack". I can't help but wonder if a case of mishandling by the hospital should have been added in. I just wish the doctor could have checked my grandmother's condition personally before instructing for the transfer.

I just hope there's a way we can make sure patients and their families are aware of their rights in the public healthcare system, and hopefully noone else will end up where my family is today. Maybe something within the line of how the Miranda rights still has to be cited in US in every single arrest the police makes. Maybe a prominent notice by the entrance? I don't know....

Down again.....

2009-05-21T23:44:00.003-05:00

I'm down again...
Two flu attacks in two weeks!
So pissed off at myself.... No kick-boxing and no swimming...

You need to work on it, girl-in-denial....

2009-05-17T12:21:00.004-05:00

I was home over last weekend to attend one of my best friends' wedding.
Spent most of it at home and did nothing special. Not even a mani/pedi session.
I reached there Saturday afternoon and Mom picked us up (Dad was on another flight about half an hour before mine).

Sunday morning, Mom dropped by bro's place to pass me some of my fave local goodies for breakfast. As she was on her way out, out of nowhere, she went, "You'd better get your act together lah... Hurry up and find someone you can quarrel with.. otherwise you will one day wake up and find yourself feeling lonely."

Gosh... While I was stuffing myself silly, the stuff in my mouth was not what made me speechless. Mom has been quite aggressive in her 'campaign' the past few months, but never this approach. Never this angle....
And my food tasted a bit bland after that.... (but only for a few seconds though :P)

Before my bro sent me to the airport on Monday, I called mom -- who was at work -- to say good-bye. Again she made sure the conversation ended with her reminder: "Don't forget, chocoholic... u need to work on it."

A friend commented that I was also in denial, when I mentioned another person may be in denial. If that is true, I suppose now that that person has opened up, that leaves me as the only one being in denial?

2009-03-12T09:43:00.002-05:00

From 周杰倫's song 稻香:

追不到的夢想換個夢不就得了

Sounds like a good idea....

^_^

Grandpa turned my day around...

2009-02-20T10:47:00.003-06:00

The day was a really rough one today... so much that I really don't feel like talking about it.

But things slowly turned around close to the end... with a good kick-fit session when I got to punch instead of being the punch bag.
To top it off, the highlight of the day was when Grandpa came out of his room close to 11 pm as he was having problem sleeping.
He threw himself on the couch, the way he usually does because of his weak knees, and suddenly started sharing this dream he just had: He was fighting with a younger schoolmate. Eager to jog his memory, I asked him all sorts of questions I could think of relating to the dream. Before long, he was sharing me about his childhood, how he spent some time studying here in Singapore, before the Japan occupation.

While he talked, I had to fight tears that were ready to roll down my cheeks.

I couldn't help thinking and wishing just now I can have more opportunities like this... when he's fully alert and sharp. Less of his senile dementia symptoms and more of these miscellanous stories of how he managed to be in the top three in the class despite failing English, which he had never been exposed to and could never pick up no matter how hard he tried. How he bravely grabbed hold of strangers' hands to gain free access to the Great World at River Valley on those free weekends when they get to leave the dorm for leisure activities. How he had to move out of his school into a cleaned up chicken coop when Japanese troops came.

Then Grandma came, and ended our chat, insisting that Grandpa was bugging me and telling him to go to sleep instead. Grandpa obediently went back to their room, after making a stop first at the bathroom, as suggested by Grandma.

Thanks for turning my day around, Grandpa.

I remember our conversation a while back in the car, when I had to send you to meet dad to see this one chinese physician.
There were only two of us in the car, and you suddenly blurted: " I dunno what's happening with my brain. It's really weak... I have so much problem remembering and recalling things.... I'm really behind your grandma."
I laughed and told him I was having the same problem, and that I was very much younger than her.
He shook his head and replied:" I think I over-used it when I was young and now it's run out of battery."
I agreed:" Yea... I think I over-used it in school too..."
And we both laughed.

I will forever remember this conversation, Grandpa.

2009-01-17T03:05:00.003-06:00

The past 3 days have been very interesting.

After a high-intensity Thursday at work, I went out for KTV with the Investment babes plus KF from Valuation. Dang!These chicks can really sing! They also threw in a surprise for me, bringing in a really yummy b'day cake for me halfway thru the ktv session, just after the (fake) sharks' fin at the $10 KTV. I would've loved to stay longer but I was concerned about my car which was parked at the other end of Chinatown, so I had to leave early. All in all, it was a good one.

Then yesterday, I had my very first encounter with the ugliest side of my job.

While the fight is still not over and I have a feeling the worst is yet to come, the nasty experience however also gave me the chance to experience first-hand the difference of being led by a real leader.

When I got attacked, one of my bosses, whom we sometimes lovingly refer to as the Power Puff Girls, not only backed me up but took charge and whacked people left, right, front and back. On hindsight, it was kinda funny actually to see her "charge" all the way to protect me, in the rather angelic off-white outfit she was wearing yesterday.

I was very nervous at first when this problem popped up, not exactly because I was afraid of the other party as I was actually quite prepared to charge. I was more nervous because I was not sure I would get my bosses' support.

Honestly though, I can hardly recall any other time I have ever felt so protected at work.

While I am not sure how long I will get to enjoy this support and protection, I am greatful enough for yesterday. Regardless of this thing will turn out in the end (especially with another nasty confrontative email just in about an hour ago), I have learnt a very important lesson in leadership. To learn from my Power Puff Bosses was along the objective I have in mind when I chose to join this supposedly very "xiong" department, as an ex-colleague described, and yesterday only strenghened my belief that I made the right decision.

One of my Ds told me that it's a good place although there are lots of ups and downs, and some people don't survive ( I think she was referring to the recent departure of an ex-colleague). I told her, even if I don't survive, I am happy enough to have braved the choppy water and picked up the valuable lessons.

Anyway, after a really tough day, the evening was spent with some very sweet ex-colleagues who have been my support network here in this city. I am a very, very lucky girl to have come across such sweet people everywhere I go. Seriously... I wonder how one can be so lucky....

2009-01-09T20:43:00.004-06:00

I'm blogging standing up at one of those free internet access points in Changi.

Never done this before but totally dead bored coz I forgot to pack a reading material.

It was a very last minute decision to go back for a wedding back home.

Only booked the ticket during lunch time yesterday and swung by to pick it up on my way back to office after a site inspection.

I'm so looking forward to seeing Bule again. Can't even remember the last time I saw her.

Organized a gathering last nite for my classmates and was quite happy with the turnout.

The first session at the Wine Co @ Evans Rd was extended to the prata joint next door,with Iggy treating us to teh halia, teh tarik and milo dinosaur.

It was so great catching up that we didn't realize it was already well past 11 pm. I really wish we could do this more often.

One of the constant comment I got from those I haven't seen for a while was:

"What happened to you? Where's your American accent? "

Sigh....

2008-12-25T10:05:00.001-06:00

"I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got. "
-- Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)--

In the spirit of Christmas

2008-11-19T08:41:00.006-06:00

This was floating around in our email server at the office this morning. So in line with the Christmas joy the malls and shopping centres are trying to spread in order to get people to spend, here is the latest Christmas song out there:

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

Sigh.....

On another (brighter) note, I had a really great time today at the gym with this trainer, LT.
I have seen him around and I thought he was quite good.
Actually, I've been wondering if there was anyway I could arrange to get back to my muay thai training under him.
Somehow one thing led to another and I ended up training with him today.
He was really good and I think he managed to push me a bit further. Another few sessions I think I may be more comfortable and hopefully slightly more dynamic.
While it was a one-session kind of thing, I think I will be be talking to him again very soon.
Now let's just hope my knee problem doesnt kick in tomorrow.
So looking forward to learn muay thai again....

Crossing the line

2008-11-14T10:12:00.004-06:00

Gramps are back in town today.
One of my uncles had to accompany them for the trip as Grandpa seems to be having some health problem and Grandma couldn't possibly have managed by herself.

It really breaks my heart to see how much more fragile he is since the last time I saw him around my cousin's wedding. Especially since I can't seem to do anything much to help take his pain away.

Seeing him also reminded me of another issue in hand. Something which is actually quite critical, but is now conveniently dragged on by who else but the selfish me, myself and I.

"Uncle" couldn't have been more right....I seem to have crossed that thin line between persistence and stubborness....

The Call

2008-10-12T12:35:00.003-05:00

Another missed call on Sunday morning.
Checked the number and returned the call immediately.

Was half awake so didn't bother opening my eyes.
It was close to an hour later before I did, with swollen eyes.

Times like these I sometimes wish I would wake up to find it was all just a dream.

11.11(pm)

2008-10-06T11:52:00.003-05:00

That was the time shown in my car (which is actually about 10 mins too fast).
And I made a wish while driving along this bend near Outram.

00.50. That was the time shown on my pc.
And I got (part) of what I wished for.

God is really nice to me : )

Substitution

2008-09-15T12:20:00.005-05:00

In this nonsensical nonsense-kind-of-life, can a chocoholic actualy substitute a Snickers bar with Mars?

Do you think the Mars bar will be upset to find out that it is only a mere substitute?
Assuming chocolate bars have feelings, of course....

Anyway, all the chocoholic knows is that there is definitely not any direct substitution around as it just never is quite the same with any other chocolate bars.

So the search continues, for the perfect substitution.

Talk about over-commitment....

2008-09-14T09:24:00.002-05:00

Wonder if I'll be overdoing it this coming week:

Monday: Hair-cut @ 6pm, followed by gym @ 9pm
Tuesday: Mamma Mia, the movie, @ 7pm (since I have been advised that learning tennis will be strenuous on my knee now)
Wednesday: Boxing @ 8 pm
Thursday: Steamboat dinner with RCF+ (time TBC)
Friday: Gym @ 9pm
Saturday: Cousin's wedding dinner, followed by Attica

Wonder where I should squeeze in time to clean up my room by Friday, since I have really wasted my weekend....

GIRL POWER!!

2008-09-06T01:19:00.004-05:00

I'm in love with 神木與瞳's 為你而活 and 草戒指!!!
Just find Jane Huang's powerful vocal particularly refreshing, especially with the tons of typically soft, girly-girl chinese pop singers out there.
And watching the two kids go through the Taiwanese talent show, they just look like pretty cool kids. The guy, Yuming, is also good and he can be quite funny too....

Another hero in the making

2008-08-26T10:59:00.011-05:00

"Chocoholic! What happened to you? How come you're so singlish now???!?!Like this how? I was planning to ask you to be the emcee for my wedding next year since I thought your English was very good...."

This is one of the first few things my buddy, Mr Bunny, told me over the phone when I called him up just the other day. This after we lost contact for a few months.

Gosh....

If you're familiar with the hit TV series, Heroes, you would know what Peter Petrelli can do.
I think I have something comparable or at least somewhere within the line of his power, except that it has become one of my biggest weakness.

I am referring to my ability to "absorb" any accent or twang from people around me and mimic them. I definitely cannot do it at Peter's at-the-touch-your-hand kind of pace, but I think I can be quite good at it.
Within the first year of my stay here, I had already started receiving occassional comments from strangers, new acquaintances or cab drivers, that they thought I was local.
As time goes by, I do realize I'm getting better and better -- or worse and worse, depending on how you look at it.

I think the fact that in my current job I have to communicate with a large number of Singlish-speaking so-called prospects, clients rep or site staff doesn't help. Somehow speaking with the local twang I find closes the gap and any awkwardness. I dunno...

Bloody hell! (There you go... something else I've picked up from the past few months from work)
What the heck is happening to me? I don't want to be singlish, can or not?
It's not that I'm that crazy about the suggested idea to be an emcee at my friend's wedding, as I know for sure that I cannot handle it, but I sure did not spend so many years of learning English just to turn it into Singlish in less than 3 years!!!

So, I have made up my mind.
I will make the conscious effort from today onwards.
27 August 2008 is the first day of ......
"Chocoholic's Proper English Programme"

No, I'm not going to be over ambititious about the whole thing, and I don't intend to lose the ability to somewhat connect better with some of my local friends and colleagues.
My goal is to control, not to eliminate this weakness of mine (or power, as I tend to think on those days I feel HERO-ic).

So, help me God!
I think I'd take Chocoholic Nakamura as opposed to Chocoholic Petrelli, anytime anyday....

--------
I have just remembered that I did try to do something about this when I caught the earliest symptoms of my singlified-english. I went to the British Council and tried to enroll myself (in any class they would let me in). Took the placement test, and guess what? They didn't have any class for me. Out of curiousity, I suppose, the staff asked why I wanted to enroll myself, and I explained my predicament, how I was alarmed at how I seemed to have managed to pick up Singlish way too fast for my own good.

I'm quite sure they would have something for me now, but then again I remember the cost was probably enough to revamp a significant part of my wardrobe.

Hmmm.... (lightbulb moment!!!)

I suppose a cheaper way around this would be to find a native-speaker boyfriend huh?
But then of course, there is another stumbling block: How the hell am I supposed to turn myself into an SPG to catch my own angmoh?

Sigh.....I must say...there doesn't seem to be any easy way out of this dark tunnel at this point in time.

Ladies @ the gym

2008-08-18T12:14:00.003-05:00

I'm finding the changing room at the gym to be an increasingly interesting place:

Lady 1 to lady 2: Aiyoh... that boss of mine is such a bitch lah...everything also I must do.
Lady 3 to lady 4: My therapist recommended me this exercise *show action*... very helpful leh... can feel much tighter now....you see this? you see?
Lady 5 on the phone: I've had it.. it's over. He told me " I miss you" and all that, but enough is enough.
Lady 6: Whose smelly shoes ah?
Lady 7 lays down on the bench with a piece of towel on her face and did not budge a single inch (and fyi, air circulation is not all that great in this changing room cum shower cum toilet, if u know what I mean....)
Lady 8 queueing for toilet: Wah so long? What are they doing inside?
Lady 9, aka cleaning lady, picks up one of the mats from the shower rooom and starts picking up hair strands
Lady 10 to lady 9: Did you throw away my clothes? I left them on the bench over there....
Lady 11 to lady 12: Aiyohhh... long time no see!! *pecks exchanged* Where have you been, honey? You look great! Looks like you have lost quite a lot of weight there....
Lady 13 walks in with with lady 14 after a class: Now that I've paid for my prata, I can go for dinner....Yay!!
Lady 14 to lady 13: But what about the ice cream you had earlier?

And the list goes on...

Ignorance may not be a bliss....

2008-08-17T10:45:00.002-05:00

An American ex-colleague: What?!?!?! Deep-fried butter squid?? I'm not sure I can take that, chocoholic....
Ex-boss: What are you talking about? You love calamari!

Just a funny snippet from my previous life, that came across my mind while looking at a Caucasian mother and son munching on calamari at fish& co yesterday.

Growing Pains?

2008-08-16T13:16:00.005-05:00

Nothing is worse than having to watch your loved ones struggling without being able to do anything.
I hate feeling so helpless and small....

Anyway I found myself calling my brother on the phone out of desperation.
I could barely finish asking him if he was already asleep (since it was quite late), when I burst into tears.
(What can I say, I'm the only daughter of a super drama mama)
I knew there was nothing he could do, but I really needed to talk to him.

Somehow, now it just reminds me of my kindergarten and early primary school days.
Back in those days, I used to have problem sleeping at night and I always managed to somehow spook myself with my wandering mind.
Most of the time, the thoughts involved my biggest fear then: Death.
(It still is, I suppose)
I remember crying and climbing up to his bunk bed above mine, and insisted that he wake up and listen to my problem, while I try to squeeze words between my sobbing and sniffing.
I would tell him how I couldn't sleep, how I was worried about our next life, after we die and supposedly go through reincarnation.
I told him how I didn't want to be anyone else's kid. How I wanted to be Mom & Dad's kid, how I wanted to be his sister again.
I think I remember at one point he told me noone can guarantee that.
And I asked him if there was a way I could look everyone up then.
I don't recall any conclusion from the discussion, but I recall he let me sleep beside him coz I was too upset to go back to sleep.

I was once the youngest kid in our English tuition class.
I cried once when an older girl in the class made fun of me.
I don't remember exactly what my brother said to me but he sat next to me while I sobbed away.
(By the way, he didn't want to take the class but my mom forced him to go with me as I was really keen to learn English and I was a bit young compared to the rest of the kids)

My brother was always the (somewhat) rebellious smart kid. I was the (somewhat) obedient average student.
He was the popular kid. I was the fat outcast.
As we grew up, slowly but somewhat surely, one tiny step at a time, I tried my best to get out of his shadow.
I was the typical younger sibling, trying to avoid being referred to as so-and-so's sister.

But I suppose as I grow older, I'm only beginning to learn to appreciate how I can just be someone's kid sister.

Just hope he doesn't see this blog.
His head is big enough as it is. It sort of runs in the family, you see....

I'm officially in love....

2008-08-06T12:46:00.005-05:00

Meet my new love:

(Cover needed as he was still a bit camera shy)

Now, side by side with my ex:

When he finally was more comfortable in front of the camera:

Gosh! I wish I was half as sleek and as slim as my new baby.

But I suppose old flame dies hard. I cannot bear to trade in my ex, one of the rare gifts my brother got for me.
I don't think it'll fetch that much in the market anyway, considering how fast the market moves, so I decided to just keep it for sentimental reason.
Yea.. the sucker me does have an issue with letting go and moving on with life.
The 5-year old Dell notebook I'm using this very second is a living proof of how "stubborn" I can get, when I decided to be. I told myself when I spent my then one month salary on this thing, that I would make sure I squeeze at least 5 years out of this thing.
Guess what? It will be our 5th anniversary in 3 months!!

I suppose most people really don't plan for their divorce..., but what can I say?
I need to make sure at least some parts of my life does move on....

^_^

O well...
suppose I'd better go take a "nap".... only have a few hours till another day starts @ work.
As I was telling a friend earlier: Just gonna take it one blow at a time. One day at a time. One breath at a time.

Sin of the day: Spent over $100 on CDs. Bloody hell! What was I thinking?

2008-07-24T11:31:00.004-05:00

ARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

What the heck did they do to Sam Lee ?
What's with the haircut?

Gimme back the scruffy-looking guy, please....
Please... I beg you....

After about 10 days of total chaos, the place is awfully quiet tonight.
After sharing my room with as many as 5 other heads at one point, I now have the room back for myself.
YEAY!!!!!!
.....
*look around*
.....

On second thought, gimme back the 5 heads... ok 4 will do ..... I don't really need my niece & nephew's nanny. And throw in the additional 2 (Dad & Bro) who had to sleep in the living room.

I sure miss the nightly "live" entertainment by the two goofballs, whenever I was home from work.

My Tarot Card of the day

2008-06-12T10:46:00.003-05:00

The Wheel of Fortune deals with the unpredictable situations in life. Your path in life takes many detours, often directed by forces and events beyond your control. This card represents change in your life, so be ready for unexpected challenges to come your way. This card usually denotes that good luck is coming your way.

I like this card too.

Sex and the Cities

2008-06-12T10:17:00.004-05:00

I don't care what others think. I love Sex and the City - the movie.
Simply because it just reminds me of the fun I have with my girlfriends.
Female support really does wonder, I tell you.

Back home in the new Atlantis-to-be, I had it in bucket loads.
In the windy city, I had roomie and Miss M (wonder if I should count Mr G in? Hahaha).
Now in this tiny blip in the blue planet, I also have Miss Su & HB. Not to mention, the others are just an msn buzz or an sms away.

Wonder what I did in my previous life to deserve this....

Transit point

2008-05-25T09:51:00.004-05:00

So.... the offer is finally out there.
Mom and Dad were in town (Mom still is), to attend my cousin's wedding.

With some persuasion from Mom, Dad finally asked me if I'd like to just take it easy and go back home, rather than slaving myself away over here. They both tried to convince me that Dad can easily offer me twice my monthly salary just to go home (only goes to show how little I make now). Basically all I have to do is.... nothing but argue with him every now and then ( more like every day) on his crazy ideas and occassionally irrational business decisions.

My first instinct was: "Finally..... I thought you'd never ask" :P
The next mili-second, I thought to myself that it really was not what I wanted.
And then the next mili-second, I remembered my bro's grey hair. OK, so maybe he was born with one strand but it's gotten really bad the past few years. And then I remember Mom who just told me she hasn't shopped for clothes for the longest time (Hint: Noone to take her shopping back home. While I think she was exaggerating a bit, I think she was just trying to convince me to go back. (P.s. I bought her a top when I decided to venture out to Orchard for a few hours. The 3-hr of wandering around left me dead beat as I am still actually feeling quite weak from this crazy flu).

One final question that popped up in my head though had to do with something I told myself when I left US a few years back.

I had told myself that I needed to be closer to my family. At the end of the day, they are the most important people in my life, more important than myself.
And Singapore was meant to be a transition. Closer but not too close. An extended transit point to allow myself some time to readjust to the culture, and to my family. Like it or not, 4 years total submersion in a totally different culture can change a person quite a lot.

So now the question is, when does this transit end? When is my next flight out?
Or, is there still a flight out to begin with?

my wish list

2008-05-19T12:20:00.002-05:00

Things I wish I could do right now (in no particular order or ranking):

Skydiving
Tie myself to a bunch of helium balls (like that pastor who went missing a few weeks ago)
Go to a particular person and ask her,"What the bloody hell have I done to deserve this?"
Go to the same particular person and ask her, "Don't you think you're just being menopausal here?"
Find a memory-erasing service (think the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- I LUUURVE the movie btw)
Quit my job and go some place where I can bum around and be pathetic (hope roomie's offer is still valid)
Strike TOTO (perhaps should start by actually buying TOTO?)
Become my own boss (I promise.... I will be the most supporting boss you can ever imagine. Except when you double-cross me, of course :P)
Find my "home" (Roomie would know what I'm talking about).
Find my happiness
3-day/3-nite movie marathon, including indiana jones, lord of the ring, etc.
Pop a magic pill that will stop my niece and nephew from growing up (and having to face life and all the problems in it)
Quit my job and train full time to lose all my excess weight in 2 months.
Quit my job and go study mandarin full time, then just teach simple mandarin to innocent children for really good money back home.
And the list goes on....

Agendas

2008-05-17T05:52:00.003-05:00

Everyone has his or her own agenda, and I believe at the end of the day they all do things with the best intentions at heart.

Dad and Mom don't seem to care much what I do and where I do it, as long as I can make good money. They are a bit concerned that I seem to be putting in a lot of effort for very little return. And they would rather I focus on finding someone decent and settling down (Note: Dad seems to have convinced himself since gazillion years ago that as long as I can overcome my weight issue, my prince charming will pop out from thin air.lolz....). Being the wonderful parents that they area, they really actually have been thinking about buying a property here to facilitate my "settling down" process.

Despite her occasional breakthrough moments from her old school thoughts, such as the time when she tried to give me tips on how to pick up guys at the airport check-in counter, Grannie believes I should continue to slog it out at work, as that it's what people do when they start to build their career. She thinks my hometown is a horrid place with no much future and since I have managed to get my permanent residency in this tiny island, she believes it's a good start and Dad should support me by getting me a place for myself. If he can afford to get a bigger place, she can then move in also and "take care" of me (Note: Dad believes that I am Grannie's fave granddaughter, to which I must say I sometimes wonder if there is some truth to this). With this in mind, Grannie has been bugging Dad about buying a unit under my name, not having the slightest clue that the market went through the roof a while back and a crash really is quite unlikely despite the slowdown.

I think Bro finds that I am wasting my time here, slaving myself away for a measly amount as my paycheck. I must say I agree on the latter part, but I'm still undecided about the first. Anyway, he feels that I am in a way just going through my denial phase and that I should just pack up and go home. He doesn't see any future for me in Singapore as he finds the market too small, the latter being something that we have actually somehow discussed and agreed on at a very early stage, when we were still in school. With this in mind, apparently he has been totally opposing the idea of any purchase of property in this island, as he sees this as facilitating my prolonged period of denial. He managed to sway Mom a bit, and she called this morning. After much small talks, she eased in the topic, " Your Bro thinksyou will never come back if we get you a place for your own. That's not true, right?".

I believe I haven't seen enough of the world. I haven't learned enough about this industry I really quite love. Anything involving buildings and developments actually. But then again, I suppose a timeframe and a deadline should be drawn as learning is a never-ending process.
And also, come to think of it, back home is also a part of the "world". And I have also believed in the potential of the place. It's just such a huge market.

And to be honest, I don't think I have made peace with myself. There is still that other reason that's holding me back from going home. Once I can really close that chapter of my life, then maybe it will be an easier call to make.

O well.... think I want to go back to enjoying my long weekend now.

Yay! fish spa therapy and lunch and movie. all in one tomorrow afternoon.

so looking forward to it.....

dumb and dumber, numb and number, low and lower

2008-05-16T21:53:00.002-05:00

Some days are ok... and some days you just get by, and there are yet other days where you just feel like digging your own hole and hide.

Some days I really wish I had a magic pill that I can pop to boost my brain power to super power level (especially when work is involved).
Yet some days I wish someone would come and take away all my memories.
And there are other days, when it is those exact memories that give me hope.....

The mind is funny,
and the heart is funnier.
Humans are funny,
and life is even funnier.

Happy Mother's Day, Ma!

2008-05-11T20:20:00.000-05:00

I have always wanted to post something about my Mom.
Somehow I just never really got around to do it and suddenly I remembered the other day.

And considering it's Mother's Day today , I suppose the timing couldn't have been any better.

Anyway, I just want to say, I love you, Ma!

You drive me nuts most of the time, but I LOVE YOU!

While I remember as a little girl somehow managing to convince myself that I was really adopted (guess we can probably blame it on those dramas I used to watch), I really cannot imagine what my life would be without you.

Thanks for coming up with such a wacky name for me that I almost always get compliments for such a "unique" name (although now in my current job, the first 20-30 seconds in any of my phone calls with a new contact is always spent on spelling my name).

Thanks for finally deciding to hold me after it took you three days to be convinced that I really was yours and not someone else's switched baby at the hospital (although I'm not sure I quite like the idea that the only reason you were convinced was because you found that I looked as ugly as your mother-in-law, aka. my grandma).

Thanks for all the good food you cooked for us (although I have to blame you for not letting us take our own sweet time to finish our meal as now people comment that I eat way too fast for a girl).

Thanks for lying to me that the thinly-sliced mushroom that I wouldn't have touched was actually "deep-sea fish with no eyes" so that I would eat it, as fish was my fave food.

Thanks for scaring Bro to shit when you lied that I was gonna die from the bubble gum he bought me (which I swallowed accidentally). It really makes a good story to tell any new friends that I make.

(No) thanks for (again) scaring Bro to shit when you tied me up and pretended that you were going to dump me down the trash chute, as again, it's another good story to share with my friends (although I'm still trying to decide whether or not I mind that much that you actually tied me up).

Thanks for scaring both of us to shit when you used to throw us a plastic bag and pretended to kick us out of the house whenever Bro and I had a fight ( although I'm still trying to decide whether or not the traumatic experience really makes a good strategy in a child's upbringing. Nevertheless.. again, it makes another story to share with friends).

Thanks for being the loud, spontaneous person that you are, coz that is what I have seem to become (although must say I'm not sure if it's a good thing despite my enjoying it). Thanks for showing me that it's ok to laugh out loud and that I don't always have to constantly restrain myself.

Thanks for embedding in my mind very early on in my childhood, that if anyone else can do it, there is no reason why I cannot (although that was also part of the reason I went against your wish and insisted on pursuing a degree in architecture).

Thanks for scrimping and saving like mad so we kids can get a comfortable life and don't have to worry about anything.

Thanks for telling me that while you might not be able to provide us with luxury, we didn't have to worry about education as you and Dad will make sure we get the best and that all we had to do was study (although from the way you complained about my having wasted too much time studying, I'm sure you're regretting it now after my master's degrees).

Thanks for teaching me to go for what I want, by telling me to go and ask the teacher myself when I wanted to skip to a higher class in kindergarten. Although it took me a whole week (not to mention the stomachache I had every morning before I stood up and went up to the teacher's desk before class started) and I was on probation for a few weeks, I managed just fine.

Thanks for teaching me that even when a girl finds love and gets married, there is no reason why she has to depend on her husband. Shit happens, you taught me, and you never know when he's going to die or leave you (although I think I'm driving you nuts by further developing this teaching into one in which marriage is not really that big of a deal).

Thanks for not raising me as a tai-tai wannabe (coz I think I would've been so depressed and suicidal as I really don't have what it takes to be one). On hindsight, I wonder if you changed your strategy, realizing that I didn't have what it takes to make it as one.

Thanks (to you and Dad) for giving me a protected childhood -- and adulthood (although I didn't fully realize how sheltered I was until only recently).

Thanks for inspiring me by starting to pick up yahoo-messaging & video conference on 3G phone at your age. Most of my friends also found it impressive.

No thanks to you for your constant nagging at my driving, and for insisting to sit in the back whenever you're in my car (and making me look like a driver), as you yourself hit 130km/hr without any hesitation when you started to drive full-time in the past year or so (while I cringed, pretended to sleep and quietly buckled my seat belt in the back seat).

Thanks for finally breaking that wall you had created for yourself, that took away any of your interest in travelling. Thanks for getting the travel bug and realizing that there is almost no limit for you when you climbed up Huangshan despite the minor limp you have from polio. Now I really look forward to our family trips despite your occassional "war" with Dad, which is almost always guaranteed. Oh and perhaps if you can cut down on souvenir shopping (Seriously, there is no law or requirement that you must get every single employee you have a personal souvenir from each and every single trip you go to. Seriously, it's not illegal to just go and enjoy yourself).

Thanks (to you and Dad) for showing me what giving and generousity is, particularly in one's family. Blood is definitely always thicker than water.

Thanks (to you and Dad) for making me who I am today. I might not have done you much proud, but please do know that I am trying my best. I really am.

Thanks, Mom (and Dad). And as I told Bro before when I couldn't sleep from nightmares as a kid, I want to be your daughter again in my next life, and my next next life, and the next next next life... and forever.

Hope you'll take me again.

I'm waiting for someone to blow up any second now...

2008-05-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

Another chicken or egg question

2008-05-10T09:38:00.003-05:00

I'm really not sure which one comes first, but I seem to have this pattern going.

I've noticed that my mood always goes down the hill when I don't go to gym.
But then again, I'm thinking I only don't go to gym because I really cannot make it or I'm just having one of those days where sh*tty is middle name.

So, the question is, am I feeling sh*tty now because I'm not working out enough to get that endorphin/adrenaline boost? Or am I not working out enough because I am feeling sh*tty?

End of the day, all I know is.... I'm still feeling sh*tty.

2008-05-05T00:45:00.000-05:00

HB commented that this particular note i posted a few days ago looked like a closure entry.
I told her all I can say is I am trying.

Then today I found myself still a bit sad over a silly thing.

As expected I suppose..... think I still have a really long way to go.

It's Sunday sickness, not Monday blues.

2008-05-04T10:08:00.003-05:00

When one has problem breathing, accelerated heart beat and nauseaus feeling every Sunday evening, ....... what does it say really?

KEN LEE!!!!!!

2008-05-03T11:37:00.004-05:00

My friend, PL, couldn't stop calling for Ken Lee on msn after watching this video.
I'm afraid I won't be able to see her in the same light again after tonite.

And for God's sake, KEN LEE!!! Can't you just please come out, stop hiding and save us all from her?!?!?!?

Simple things in life

2008-05-03T04:53:00.003-05:00

Sometimes really it's the simple things in life that make your day.

Had a lot of fun last nite with some ex-classmates.
Catching-up session at the old hang-out with great company, some nice, girly-girl, mango beer and german sausages. A bit self-conscious perhaps of how fast everyone was on their way up, but what else is new?
It's still fun.

We agreed that we'd try to turn this into a quarterly event. Really looking forward to it.

Happy Labor Day

2008-05-01T12:57:00.003-05:00

Quite a few people told me that I was not cut out to work for others.
They told me I was too stubborn to work for anyone.
All I can say to them now is: HA HA! YOU OWE ME LUNCH!
Wish they can see the slave that I am now....

To all cheap foreign labors, particularly those in this tiny island, Happy Labor Day!

Note to a jerk that I really care(d) about

2008-04-29T11:26:00.004-05:00

To you out there,

That was totally uncalled for, man....

Maybe I am just a tad sensitive today,
maybe it's me who's been in denial of the jerk that you can be,
maybe it's something else, I don't know....

But still, it was totally not cool, man...

The cut is deep enough after the past 12 years or so,
that you really didn't have to take another stab at it.

However crappy you were feeling,
Whatever bad day you were having,
I really didn't deserve it.

However, rest assured that I did get the message, loud and clear.
Rest assured that I am trying my best to move on.
I really am.

As always, I wish you all the happiness in this world.
And I pray and hope that this will be my last note to you,
that whatever you do, it will never get to me.

Please do take good care of yourself.

Cheers.

Pathetic

2008-04-20T11:34:00.003-05:00

It's pathetic....
How a pop-up msn message indicating someone's online can lift up my mood.

Think I seriously need a DIY brain-washing machine...
Anyone got any idea where I can score one?

A note to self

2008-04-19T11:03:00.002-05:00

Is it just me or does time really flies when you don't plan?

As in.... when you don't even have time to plan.

As in.... when you don't even have time to really breathe.

I have never felt like this before.

Like I'm going through an endless tunnel. And it's not even a blackhole-like tunnel.

At least a black hole is empty.

But I am not a quitter...(unless you want to count the number of times I have quit my jobs), and I don't plan to be one.

I'm trying very hard to hypnotize myself.

I'm going to have the thickest skin of all when I come out of this tunnel.

This is the best training camp for me. I have to come out of this a stronger and better person.

And only when I am one that I can leave.

(note: repeat to self 100 times :P)

go low carb now?

2008-04-04T20:02:00.002-05:00

I supposed Dr Atkins' followers are ahead this time around...
With all the concerns about rising price of rice, ... I suppose this is the perfect time to cut down on carb?

^_^

The chariot

2008-03-19T11:33:00.002-05:00

I set up my facebook profile to have daily tarot card reading, and I'm loving my card for today:

The Chariot
The Chariot is the representation of victory and a reminder that, through dedication and perseverance, great obstacles can be overcome. This card indicates that you are in control of your destiny and that your will is strong. Your refusal to surrender is your great attribute at this time. You will soon find yourself in a difficult situation that requires you to be in complete control of your actions and confident in your abilities.

2008-02-29T22:59:00.002-06:00

For a team with originally 18 member strong, to have 4 resignations in 2 months.....

And just to clarify: Team work has not been an issue at all...

So what does it say?

Am I really jumping from one hot soup to another?

2008-02-19T11:03:00.002-06:00

A lot has happened the past few weeks, and no.... I'm not referring to the whole brouhaha about the highly coveted contents of Edison Chen's notebook.

Speaking of HK entertainment news, I am quite sad to learn about Lydia Sum's death. I can only hope her daughter gets all the support that she needs... I really quite envy the kind of bond that the two seem to have shared.

Anyway, back to me... as I am an extremely self-adoring biatch :P

So, my resignation was finally approved after two failed attempts -- including one in which she actually implied that I was just going through some sort of a quarter-life crisis ...
While I really don't think that that is what's going on -- and I also don't think the problem is solely on my end (i.e. was really tempted to say: add another quarter and speak for yourself), maybe she's right......., but who cares, right?

I was out.
I was free... yet I was broken-hearted.
The idea that I would not be able to see the few wonderful friends I have made at work really was really devastating.
After all the time we spent together, including all those extra hours at work, they have become another family to me.

I genuinely think I must have done some awesomely good deeds in my previous life (which unfortunately I haven't seem to be able to copy in this life) to be so lucky to have such nice and sweet colleagues.

And before my last day, they even chipped in to get me a hamper with fresh flowers, an assortment of organic goodies which they picked themselves and a really cute stuffed piggy in a pineapple costume as a send-off gift.
It's just is really, really sweet of them.

Anyway, there were some changes after some rather dramatic turn of events.
And instead of a clean exit through the door, I ended up crossing the hallway instead after that last day.

I transferred to another department instead.
I have been getting mixed feedback about this. Most of my darling friends at work, of course have been really supportive, trying to assure me that I will do great over on the other side.
However, there were also others who reacted differently. One interesting comment referred to the other side as "the dark side" and another scolded me just this afternoon (apparently I forgot to inform her, as I was under the assumption that the others would've told her already), asking me if I was crazy to jump from one hot soup to another.

Sigh....

On hindsight, I wonder if my decision to take some advance leave before I start is really a good idea.
The more I think about the challenges I will have to face, the more nervous and doubtful I get, wondering whether or not I will be able to survive.

Anyway, I have reached the point of no return.
I keep tellling myself "There's no looking back now, girl! Just gotta take a deep breath and jump... just like you have done before. Shit will happen you will fumble around and stumble, but u just have to take another deep one, smile, and get up again".

Easier said than done...... (I think the human mind is really strong and weak at the same time).

But it's ok....I will jump. I will do it.
No other way to find out the outcome, right?

So, .....Bring it on!

2008-01-22T09:19:00.000-06:00

All I can say is,
I think if this thing works out, I'm gonna be in for one heck of a ride at work.

confession

2008-01-20T11:19:00.000-06:00

OK, I suppose it's confession time.

Once in a while, I do need to retreat to some tear-jerking dramas.
While previously I never really fessed up to this, even to myself.
I accidentally did when I was chatting with a colleage online just now, recommending this one particular show that touched on AIDS and underprivileged families.

PL says:my life already very sad,
PL says:still ask me watch sad movies
chocoholic says:no lah... u cry over ur own life sounds pathetic mah
chocoholic says:then u find a gd movie and bawl ur eyes out
chocoholic says:that's what i do
chocoholic says:then i have an excuse to cry lor
PL: ahhah

Sigh..... so that's what's been going on. I didn't really realize that before.

the big three-o part deux

2008-01-18T10:08:00.000-06:00

I had one of my best birthdays ever yesterday.

Phonecalls, emails and messages: Mom & Dad, sis-in-law (bro usually forgets), aunt, friends, roomie & bf, more friends.

Also, one obstacle down, though I know this one is just the tip of the iceberg).

And I had a really great lunch with my buddies at work. All 13 of them (one couldn't make it because of other appointment).
They're really one of the blessings in my life. Sometimes I still can't believe how lucky I am to have gotten a chance to be in such a tight and fun bunch of people.
There's always ups and downs, but I think we're really great together.
I really wish I had the power to keep us all together.
I can almost see us "conquering" the world. lol...
It is just one heck of an interesting mix of people at the table: My wacky dancing queen sister who does an excellent teresa teng and idolizes inul daratista (lol), a goddess of death who's addicted to caffeine, a king with interesting collection of "wifes, ex-wifes and mistresses", a chinese little star with his occassional teaching of chinese proverbs, a devout christian who's into bon jovi, a cat lover who doesn't really eat meat that much, a super neat super mom of two boys, an organic lifestyle poster girl, a chio super mom of two pretty little girls, an eating machine sociologist, a funky economist, a sexy puss in boots, a prim and proper lady, and me, the lucky nonsensical chocoholic.

The whole gank chipped in, either as major or minor shareholder, buying me lunch as well as birthday present. My wacky dancing queen sister who was the appointed shopper bought me the gorgeous tube dress that I had been eyeing before during one retail therapy session with her.

They beat me in my own game, and I couldn't pay for the lunch. All I could do was treat them a slice of cake.
I really wish I could give them more than that.

I got so sad that I couldn't help it. I cried a bit.
My buddy the king told me I caught them by surprise and they didn't know what to do when I did.

Sorry, peeps! But I was really sad lor... you guys are making it so much harder....

Anyway, after surviving lunch, I went to pick up yet another cake for dinner. I insisted to do that as it was my uncle Charlie's b'day too.

So we had steamboat cum bbq dinner at my aunt's flat. There's this unoccupied space next to her corner flat that has become somewhat her private "yard". Perfect spot for bbq dinner, especially with the breezy nite.

Then it was another round of chocolate fudge cake from raffles hotel's ah teng bakery, after which I felt like fainting afterwards from over-stuffing myself.

Then I came home to a taiwanese tv show that claimed basically that capricorns will have a good year this year.

What a great day.....

I don't really remember feeling so loved and so lucky before in my life.

So far, the big three-o has been good to me, and I hope it will stay this way.

the big three-o

2008-01-17T00:30:00.000-06:00

So here I am....
half an hour past midnite.
Well, technically since I was born at noon, it's not really the big three-o till another 12 hours or so...
(hmmm... now contemplating posting this at noon instead)

oh what the heck....
How I spent my first half an hour in the big three-o?
Chatting with one of my sistas from my windy-city era, Miss M, who proudly displayed the ultra-scan image of her baby daughter.
I just find moms amazing, and I know she's gonna be one amazing supermom.
Way to go, Miss M!
(She attacked me online with what looked like Jolie's lips :P..... which just reminds me of her version of Shiloh :P)

Also chatted with a colleague, who I once spent hours chatting with.
With the kind of shit we had to deal with, just didnt really have time to chat recently.
And that all changed yesterday when my resignation was finalized after 2 failed attempts previously.

I must say, I have been one blessed little brat to have such doting parents (though it took me a while to figure it out) and family, to have met and befriended such wonderful and unbelievably sweet people as I have, and to just have such a wonderful, albeit holey and patchey life.

I seriously wonder what I had done in my previous life to deserve this.

Note to GOD (whoever, whatever, and whereever you are):
THANK YOU!

2007-12-25T09:13:00.000-06:00

So, ... I have finally decided (or so I try to convince myself).

I need something new for the new year.
I'm actually quite sad just thinking about it, but at the same time I don't think this is sustainable.

Keep thinking about the people though.
Sad...

Btw, my nephew after waking up in the morning and finding me sitting in front of my laptop :
"Gu-gu (chinese for auntie), is your homework really tough?....... How come you can't seem to finish it?It's been days already...."

I luv kids....

One soft-hearted biatch

2007-11-25T01:05:00.000-06:00

I finally did it.
Told my trainer that I thought it'd be best for me to switch trainer as it was getting harder and harder to match our schedules.
I really felt he wasn't cooperating enough. Besides, how the heck is anyone who's not motivated enough to work can motivate someone to go work out?
As my colleagues put it," Heck! I'm a paying customer, ok?!?!?"
How dare he raised his voice at me?!?!?

Funny though.
I kinda feel bad.

My gal pal at work, Miss Faye Faye, was laughing at me for being soft-hearted.
The reason being, I was scolding her for being soft-hearted.
On hindsight, I think she had a better excuse, she was soft-hearted when it comes to her ex.
Me? I'm soft-hearted. Period.
Even when it comes to my personal trainer. Or bosses who take advantage of cheap foreign labor. .... lol.....

My buddy at work was teasing me when I told him I was gonna quit if I wasn't happy with the boss the next day. He said," Are you sure or not? You keep saying the same thing every time leh... "
But you see, to be honest, I really think our boss is not that bad, contrary to some of the things I've been hearing. After all, she did give me the opportunity to try out for this.

By the way, I also feel bad that I've caused some of my friends to worry about me, especially Mr Bunny and Miss Beenz.
If you guys are somehow reading this post, I'm really sorry.
I've just been really drained at work. Aside from the fact that I really had almost no time left for myself, I also didn't want to be dumping all my shit to you.
I had nothing to talk about aside from work.

Things will get better soon. I promise.
At least, I will try to make it better... : )

2007-11-20T09:42:00.001-06:00

I keep breaking my record. Left the office at 5 am and reached home by 5.30. crashed and slept till 8 am, when I jumped out of bed to take my shower and then head back to office.

I need to break this vicious cycle!

Had to go and get some eye cream this evening. I just decided I really need to see something else other than my desk, my room, my car and the food court where we usually go for lunch.

Enough is enough.

So I went shopping instead. Kinda just HAVE to get a new white top. I had just realized that most of my white blouses are either stained, lost their brightness or got some other problems.

I ended up with an eye cream, a black skirt, a pair of slacks and 2 tops for work. Talk about some retail therapy huh?

baby step

2007-11-18T08:55:00.000-06:00

It's my first day back at the gym after a really long while.

20 mins on the cross-trainer (with almost no resistance, hahaha), 5 mins on the stationary bike (again, kindergarten level) and 40 mins of circuit training.

nothing remotely close to the intensity of training last year, or even earlier this year, before i started work.

but hey, i'm still quite happy. at least i stepped back to gym. ^_^

one tiny baby step at a time, girl.
one tiny baby step at a time. .......

Life - or something like it

2007-11-14T09:56:00.000-06:00

It's 5 mins to midnite and I'm still in the office.
All by myself.

Those close to me can vouch for me: I am the biggest chicken in the whole world.
Yet, I am strangely ok with staying here at the wonderful 35th floor all by myself.
(What freaks me a bit is getting to the 34th floor from the emergency staircase :P).

I am supposed to be rushing 2 sections of this particular regional market study, but I'm just plain burnt-out. In dire need for a break then remembered I haven't updated my blog for a while. I recently found out that template I had been using had somehow gone haywire and my blog has been looking pretty neglected, especially with no posts whatsoever the past few weeks.
Too lazy (and no time!!!) to look for template, I just went for one of the standard ones.

The past few weeks have been mostly nothing but work. It has been all about slaving myself away monday-friday (plus two saturdays, and inclusive of one public holiday spent here at my desk). Oh and some nite-outs with my colleagues.
With all the crap we have to put up with, we strongly believe we need some heavy-duty de-stressing.

The past few weeks, I only go home to throw myself on my bed, jumping back up and rushing back to office a few hours after that.

I have been joking about getting a sleeping bag, stuffing my stuff in my car, and moving in to the office. I can always go to shower at Cali-Fit. There you have it: My contribution to all the "green" movement that's all the buzz nowadays (not to mention, savings from not actually having to drive my car).

I got into an accident a few weeks ago. Pretty bad in some ways yet not as bad in others. I am totally convinced by now that God is really, extremely nice to me. And I totally have no idea why I might have done in my previous life to deserve such nice treatment.
And knowing that I fully do not deserve it just makes me freak out even more.

Anyway, as I said, got nothing much to update.

Oh haven't been to the gym for the past 2 months. Seriously cannot make it there with all this crap going on.

(Note to self: Be thankful. Be greatful that someone actually is giving u a chance)

Sigh....

Oh Mr. Bunny is gonna go for R.O.M in January with Mrs. Bunny, a.k.a. Ade.

And he refused to have a bachelor's party.

Sigh... (not that I could come anyway)

Ok, it's 10 mins past midnite. Better get back to my work.

My record was 00.10 yesterday. I'm getting better and bettter.
00.11 restart work instead of packing home.

Life? Where are you?

2007-09-30T11:15:00.000-05:00

A very nice colleague just shared with me one of his favorite quotes (which I'm too lazy too google around for), that the true character of a person is not reflected during his success, but when he manages to pick himself up and again.

I think that's a really good one, OKS!Thanks again for sharing.

Exactly what I need right now, I think.....

Another day in paradise

2007-09-30T09:50:00.000-05:00

I'm having a rather bad day, I suppose.
Or weekend for that matter.

It bugs the hell out of me that I have totally no clue whatsoever what is bugging me right now.
I am just totally bugged out.
And unfortunately, no.... it's not that time of the month.
How I wish it were that time of the month.... that would make it all so logical.

I am simply pissed off..... for reasons that I am not even sure of.

I do have some guesses, but really I can't tell which one of them is causing this.
Or maybe it's actually all of them combined?I really don't know.

Totally pissed off at myself right now...

2007-09-29T12:11:00.000-05:00

Seriously, I don't mean to stereotype people, but here's one difference I notice between Asian guys and the so-called Westerners or "ang-moh"s as they are referred to here on this island.

I find that ang-moh guys either open / hold the doors for ladies, or they simply don't (which doesn't happen very often, as far as I know).
Whereas in the case for Asian guys, ..... again I don't want to generalize -- I know perfectly clear that there are exceptions...., but there are just so many ridiculous conditions for these gentlemen-wannabes.
It all depends, you see.... Is it potential gf? gf? wife? Cute chick @ 7-11?
If not, chances are.... they may just give the opening / holding door thing a pass.

Sorry but I can't help but feel that it's one of the most ridiculous things in the world. I don't believe in split personalities. I know everyone has multiple personas based on the different roles that they play, but c'mon..... it's either you're a gentleman, or you're not! I'm sorry lor but I don't think there's any way you can be a perfect gentleman to your girlfriend/ potential girlfriend/ wife/ cute chick @ 7-11 but a total jerk to everyone else.

Just to clarify, I do not need anyone to open my doors at all. I am fully capable of opening my own doors. Sometimes I even open doors or hold elevator doors for guys who shamelessly walk out without even saying thanks, but hey....it's perfectly fine by me! At least they don't try to be someone who they're not (at least from what little I could gather from my brief seconds-long encounter with the strangers).

As for anyone out there who's doing the selective gentleman moment thing, please wake up.
You're not a gentleman, ok?! Sorry to burst your bubble......but unfrtunately you're not a gentleman lor.....

So...? Wanna reconsider? I think you might as well just drop the whole being-a-perfect-gentleman thing and just move on and enjoy your life.
I can imagine how troublesome it is to play the role of someone who you're really not.

Don't cha?

2007-09-11T07:29:00.000-05:00

It can be a bit disturbing when you have a middle-aged ( and I mean MIDDLE-aged) cleaning lady at your gym trying to sing along to the Pussycat Doll's Don't cha? with her (really) broken english.....

Yup. Rolled-up sleeves and pants and all while mopping the floor in the changing room.

What a way to start your day.

Farewell

2007-09-05T06:42:00.000-05:00

Today was the last day at work for my dear friend, Miss Wong.

Considering what a cry baby I am, I am a bit surprised to find that I didn't cry at all.
Well, ... maybe partly because I already cried a bit the other day when she showed our buddy Mr Ong and me the snack box she had carefully prepared and hid so well for us.

I just thought it was really sweet of her. She bought all the snacks that we had previously tried and liked. She must have burnt quite a hole in her pocket from all those japanese snacks.

Anyway, we had our farewell lunch -- a teochew porridge buffet -- earlier today. Then at 6 pm we went for dessert at this really nice chinese dessert place nearby.
It's becoming a tradition it seems for us.

Then there were four,.... now there are two.

Think Mr. Ong also can't wait to leave. And I have been telling him and everybody else, that the day he leaves, I will follow suit.

I hate to be left behind like this. That's one of the things that make goodbyes even harder I think.

Well, I just hope we'll be keeping in touch.

And here's wishing you all the best, Miss Wong! Unlikely as it is, I hope you'll find new colleagues who are cooler than us.

I will definitely miss the company during my drive home every day.

One night in Sg

2007-08-21T09:34:00.000-05:00

I was late yesterday for a movie with some of my buddies from work.
Boss called me in to her office a bit late in the day and was stuck there for a while. Show was to start at 6.40 and I only managed to wait for the office lift at 6.25 pm.
My friends had already walked their way to the theatre by then.

Anyway, after picking up Miss Wong who went downstairs first to get dinner, we made a run for it. Got lucky and found a spot really close to the escalator.

Anyway, thanks to the commercials, we didn't really miss anything.

After the show, my "westerners" buddies and a new westerner friend headed to the carpark, as I usually drop my buddies off at this one MRT station in the west.

At least that was the plan.

Somehow, despite frantically exploring the carpark waving my remote control as if it was some kind of magic wand that will help in the apparition of the car, my beloved car was nowhere to be found.

After about 20 mins or so, I was getting a bit upset. I had to work on a report and a presentation that night and I really could not afford to waste time. I was already taking a huge risk by going out to catch the show, but I really did not want to miss it, especially with such good company. I really needed a bit of fun.

Anyway, it was getting ridiculous as I knew for sure that I was at the right side of the huge mall.
Right at the moment,I saw two police officers appear out of nowhere. Before I knew it, I was already running towards them.

After quietly listening to me spilling my heart out about how ridiculous it was, I noticed there was not any sign of urgency or actually intention to help at all. They were really cool about the whole thing. Too cool even now that I think of it.

At one point, after several Q&As, one of the officers commented:" This is quite a tricky car park, Mam. Maybe you can look around again."
I think I must have shot him a nasty look, coz then the second officer grinned awkwardly and said,"Uhm.... Actually...., we're also trying to locate our vehicle, Mam."

DUH???

THAT'S IT, MAN!!!
I mean...., c'mon.... how do you lose a freakin' police car??????

Combining this and my previous encounter with the local cops, I think now I have right about... oh I don't know... maybe 0.000000000000001% respect left for them?

But on the other hand, though, now I have something to remember that can crack me up when I'm feeling down.

Oh and by the way, I found the car.
No, it didn't apparate out of thin air. And the officers certainly did not help. They actually disappeared after telling me to call them if I still can't find my car. Yea rite... as if that's gonna help.

Anyway, apparently, I was having so much fun talking to my buddies that I went down one floor further than I needed to.

So all in all, despite getting only 1-hr sleep yesterday trying to catch up with work after the outing, it was a good one. At least a very interesting one.... to me.

Oh and the movie, ... It was my very first time catching a local production and I was actually quite impressed. The title is 881 and apparently it's been doing very well in the theatres. And I really lurrrve one of the soundtracks. So much so that I'm wondering whether or not it's worth it to get the CD.
I suspect my aunt may enjoy the songs.

2007-07-25T09:54:00.000-05:00

Bro's in town. I picked up him up at the airport late last nite.
Unfortunately, the pisang goreng end and brownies end up as gifts for my relatives. Didn't exactly get anything from him.
So I was quite happy to "score" a fancy skipping rope from him.
He voluntarily offered it to me in return for a promise that I will learn how to skip.
Interesting coz it was just the day before that my trainer tried to start me on skipping.

You see... Sometimes I'm amazed at how smooth God has made my life to be.
Just the other day, I realized that I learned how to ride a bike without falling. Come to think of it, I can't recall any major fall from riding a bicycle before.

Anyway, so I have a new project: To learn how to skip. I hear it works wonders in weight loss program. So I'm thinking it would be great if I can do it on alternate days when I don't go to the gym.

(NOTE TO SELF: YOU'RE RUNNING SHORT OF TIME, MAN!!!! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BALL!!!)

YAY! MORE PROJECTS!!! HOPEFULLY MORE COMMISSION!!!

2007-07-15T07:29:00.000-05:00

a report revision, a new proposal and a (fancy) powerpoint presentation.
any chance I can wrap it up in 24 hours?

Double recap

2007-07-13T09:42:00.000-05:00

The past one week or so passed by like nobody's business.
There were several occasions I really wanted to post something but either forgot or was just so dead beat, so exhausted that I almost fell asleep driving home from work.
Don't ask me why I am so tired. So many people have asked if I was that busy.
My answer has been: I'm busy trying to look busy.
^_^

So, here's the recap:

04/07/07:
I did remember that day. I wanted to post something short just to remind myself that it had been exactly 2 years since the last July 4th fireworks I went to.

05/07/07:
The day marked the two years since I uprooted myself for the second time from a place I really had grown to love. No regrets though, since I think I have gained some despite losing some.

07/07/07:
I read in the newspaper that 777 couples were to register their marriages that day. I remember wondering whether there was any chance at all that I would find my soul mate by 09/09/09. HAHAHAHA...... (dream away.....).
Despite the rather depressing outlook though, someone showed up online that afternoon and brighten up my day. And I mean really BRIGHTEN up my day.....

10/07/07:
(Re-cap): Mom and Dad were in town to attend my convocation. Though there was a bit of a commotion coz I was still at the office after 6 o'clock, it all worked out just fine. I didn't get a chance to freshen up or anything, but who cares...... I just hope I have made it up to my parents for the other convocation they missed. I bet they hardly picked up 10% of what the speech was all about. After the convocation, Mom asked me why a few people had extraordinarily cute-looking hats instead of mortar boards. When I told her that those are people who graduated with PhDs, she commented: " Why don't you go for one then? 'Coz those are cute.....".
Yup.... that's my mom, alright.... as if I would even consider slaving myself away for a few years just to wear the darn hat in a single occasion? I mean, it's not like it's something you might wear to the mall for God's sake.

Oh and at the convocation, I finally met Raphael and Ethan, two of my "classmates" whom I had never met in person after they were born. You see, their moms had them halfway through our program and despite my promises to drop by and see those two boys, I could never made it before.

And yesterday, I went to Central @ Clarke Quay with Miss Wong and Mr. Ong, my new buddies at work. We went there for dinner with Miss Koh who resigned not long after I started at my current job. We hit it off quite well so we've kinda been in touch and there have been talks about gatherings and outings ever since.

Lemme see... what else....

Oh I really can't wait to catch the latest Harry Potter movie.

A colleague at work said this afternoon that I am a 开心果 (kai xin guo). I couldn't understand why she would associate me with pistacchio at first, since the word as far as I know refers to the nut. It tursn out the word can also mean something else. The life of the party, according to yet another colleague.
Although I am not sure I agree, but I am quite happy that at least someone actually associates me with the word 开心 (kai xin) or happy.
Call me an under-achiever, but I feel that it's quite an achievement on its own.

a sundae-less sunday

2007-07-01T06:56:00.000-05:00

I decided to pamper myself with a boxed set of the fifth season of Gilmore Girls.
Simply coz it's the latest season I could find at the one and only Borders in the city.
I've gobbled up 4 and going thru my fifth episode. Some of them I've actually seen, but it's still all good.
I just hope I'll be able to find the last season after this.
Oh I also got a really cute paisley covered sketchbook for my work notebook.
I've been using sketchbooks as notebooks for the past few years and by now I have almost zero tolerance for ruled notebooks.
It took my cousin and I a good half an hour ransacking the stationery section at Borders. I had hoped to find the same suede or any leather-bound sketchbooks I used to get at Borders in Chicago. But as I should've expected, there was nothing even remotely close.
I'm quite happy with the spiral wire-bound plastic paisley notebook though. It's really quite pretty, though I'm still not crazy about the wire-bound.

Oh, and I got a haircut today @ Wheelock.
And all I can say is, is gonna take a lot. A WHOLE DAMN LOT. to ever convince me to get a haircut here in the island. ever. again.
talk about some seriously old-looking fifth-grader here.
Gosh. I just know that I'm gonna get such a hard time about my hair cut from a good friend that's coming to town this friday.
Yup. Mr. Girbo is coming to town.

Gosh. Can't believe it's gonna be monday in a few hours. It's gonna be a really long week I'm sure.
I miss Friday already. ....

(And whowas it that just said she loved her new job? haha.....)

just babbling....

2007-06-30T12:06:00.000-05:00

I got my confirmation letter yesterday.
Someone asked if I got a raise. I think it's way too early for that. I don't have anything significant to show yet.
I did finally present my report to the client the day before that although with no voice from throat infection, my boss had to help me present about 3/4 of the 92 slides I prepared. I took over the last 1/4 when my boss couldn't really handle the nitty gritty part.
She did say I performed very well in the presentation. I just hope she really meant it.

I've just realized I haven't posted anything for several weeks.
Well, the truth is, life has been pretty much all about work, sleep, gym (once in a blue moon), and nothing else.
"That's pathetic," a friend commented.
What can I say..... I AM pathetic?

I actually am very interested in my work, as it allows me to gain exposure to such a wide range of projects. The only problem I feel I am having now is communication and team work. I can't seem to shed the feeling that I am still an outsider to my team. Even colleagues from other department noticed that since I seem to click much better with them.

Not that it's bothering me that much though. As I was telling another good friend here, I am quite thick skinned by now, and I am really giving myself a lot of slack. I think very few things get to me now. I told the friend: If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

Last saturday I went out with my local buddies and I had the best pizza since I left the windy city. Not that it was anywhere near the pizano cornmeal crust pizza I love so much, but it definitely was the best thing I have had for quite a while. the best part though was not the food but the company. It was really nice just to hang out and chill, despite my deep-throat whispers.

Oh by the way, I am actually a tad excited about the upcoming convocation. The reason?
Not that I'm that crazy about convos, but I think there are some people in my family who might appreciate the invitation. I might be wrong, but I sure hope I'm not coz I actually had to pull some strings to get extra tickets.
Also, it will be really nice to get to see my classmates again, as a class, you see....
Dang it's so hard to get these people to get together.
Am I crazy? Am I the only person who actually enjoys hanging out with them?

Oh and actually my PR has been approved but I just haven't been able to complete the actual paperwork. It just reminds me of a question someone asked me a while back: "Is it really what you want? What do you plan to do with it?"
My answer at the time was a simple " I dunno"....... And sadly, the answer remains the same.
Haha....
I just think it might come in handy in the future. You never know, man....

Old habits die hard. So, as usual, I have a list of plans I'm really interested in doing.
A sorta wish list , I suppose. Though I'm perfectly aware that it's way too early for a new set of new year resolutions, I thought it'd be good to jot'em down:

Reach healthy weight before my next b'day (THE BIGGEST ITEM ON THE LIST)
Restart my "learn mandarin" program
Go back for french classes
Go back to yoga classes
Golf lessons (note: financial sponsor badly needed for this)
US trip in one beautiful fall with plenty of vibrant colors from the foliage
Do volunteer work of some sort ( hm.... I think I'm starting to get way too imaginative for my own good)
One last very important thing: REFORMAT my brain and take out the part that's causing the delusional mode I can't quite shake off just yet despite my promise to myself.

Btw, I can't wait for Gwen Stefani to perform here.

I definitely want to go.

Finally......

2007-06-05T08:53:00.000-05:00

I'VE FOUND MY CHOCOLATE!!!

Over the past year or so, I think I have tried almost everything from 55% to 99% cocoa but were not really able to find something that really fits me.

Yesterday, I ended up with Lindt's Ecuador 75% cocoa....
And I wish I could find the right word to express my feelings, but I can't. Haven't found it at least.

It's just so darn perfect for me.

Yea...yea... I know... it still has tons of sugar, and it definitely is a stumbling block in my program. But the way I look at it, life without chocolate is pretty much meaningless....
Well, that and life without mango, too.....
(While we're at that, can we probably add ice cream too?)
^_^

I was a bit bummed today at work. Nope... it wasn't because of my report (which I still haven't finished by the way, thanks to the constant distraction provided by the source of my "bummed" mood).

I was a bit bummed after finding out that this cooky gal at work is quitting and next Wednesday is gonna be her last day. I must say, she's been most entertaining and most importantly, one of the most helpful people, at work.

I think she's the person I can relate to the most at work. Almost the same personality type, I believe; and I'm quite sure I'll really miss having her around.

But what the heck..... nothing I can do about itm now...

So, ..... to a particular Miss Koh who has just got her hair done (almost perfectly straight) for her new journey in a few days:

ALL THE BEST!

I sure hope we'll keep in touch.

I want mommy.....

2007-05-31T12:04:00.000-05:00

I'm quite ashamed of what a big baby I've turned into.
No, I'm not talking about my size, though that is still an issue.... an increasing one, even.
I'm talking about the baby part.
Mom was here for about a week after her China trip. She decided to extend her plan to stay for 2-3 days, to make sure she could accompany my aunt to the doctor on Tuesday.
Anyway, she left this afternoon, and I kinda' miss having her around already.

My brother once asked why my mom and I don't seem to do the mother-daughter manja-ing thing. I'm sure most girls would know what I'm talking about.
Nope. We definitely don't do that.

Mom says sometimes distance is good, and I'm with her on this.
Just look at us.
Distance does help with a lot of things that might be a bit overwhelming or slightly annoying at times.
I think it works almost like a vaccination (Back to the baby theme).
Just a tiny bit of the virus, one tiny dose at a time. You'll be good to go.

Btw, is it true that Miss Japan just won Miss Universe?
My ex-mandarin tutor used to tell me that the 21st century is the era of Asia as he explained his take on the meaning behind the chinese character "huang" (yellow).
All I can say is: You go, girl!!!!Gambatte ne!!

2007-05-30T00:31:00.000-05:00

AAAAAARRGGHH.....!!!!!

It's darn hard to stay on track with my program without turning into an anti-social.
*super bummed right now*

A whole lotta crap

2007-05-24T05:37:00.000-05:00

I submitted my first draft to my boss today. The very first report I am supposed to do in my current job.
65 pages in total, including charts, tables and all. It sure is a whole lotta crap though.....
After no breakthrough in trying to find a solutions to the problem. I tried my best to downplay the bad stuff and yet stay away from painting too beautiful of a picture lest we get sued later.

I can't even remember what I wrote. I just hope the boss finds it usable.
Coz I had a nightmare a few days ago that I got into trouble with my second boss because of this report. I remember in my dream, she said it was a piece of crap.

Anyway, this boss who will be reviewing the report will be travelling for a few days. She won't be back until later next week. After which I will have to revise the report based on her feedback over the weekend.
That's why I'm nervous and really praying there won't be too many changes to be done. I don't want to work on weekends.

I need sleep.....

I am cheap foreign labor

2007-04-30T20:06:00.000-05:00

So,..... Happy Labor Day to me! YAY!

It's kinda nice how my first pay check from this new job came the day before the local labor day.

I know I could've / should've saved the money instead of doing this, but I really feel like giving my relatives here a treat.
I mean, my gramps are already in their late 70s. God knows how many chances I have left to treat them a decent meal, especially since grandma has been rather concerned that I might not survive or even get bullied at work for some reasons (I didn't know that I was that incompetent in her eyes..... hahahah my silly gramps). My aunts and uncles have been a really huge help and my dad happens to be in town, too. Even my little cousins are awfully nice (one of them even bought the two of us matching stuffed piglets knowing that I loved cute stuffed piglets. Shoot... I've just remembered it's her b'day. I have to figure out what to get her. ASAP before dim sum lunch this afternoon).
So there goes my first pay check after this afternoon. To the nice people I have been blessed to have as my family.

But that's ok.....
Family time... priceless.
For everything else, there's always Mastercard, right?
(Or in my case Visa :P)

My kryptonite

2007-04-22T07:37:00.000-05:00

I was looking for some mp3s I would like to have in my new phone (courtesy of my lovely mom and bro), and I almost bawled my eyes out when I went through my Earl Klugh folder.
Times like this I really wish I could blame the bluecactus-dimcorner duo for stuffing my head with Earl Klugh. Well not all of his work of course,.... I have highly limited space in my "harddrive" in case you don't remember.
While I am almost certain that most of his songs can really take me places, this one particular "Till the End of Time" to me is almost as bad as kryptonite is to Superman.

Anyway, I think now I'm more stressed out because of the new phone than I am because of my new job.
It's not like I don't appreciate the gift, but I have always been a loyal Nokialite as far as I can remember. Even when I was stuck with other phones previously, I was always eyeing Nokia. I think I have actually sworn after I got my last 7610 (again, a really sweet gift from Mom), that I would never ever ever go for any other brand other than Nokia.
And look where I am today.

I am stuck with my new phone, and I am finding all the fancy stuff a bit overwhelming.
I wanted a simple Nokia E 61i but my brother insisted it looked really ugly, and chose this one instead.
I am a bit bummed that I can't use my mp3s as my ringtone.

Anyway, I suppose I'd better move on.

Oh yeah... a lot of people have been asking ( and I mean a lot!) anout my new job.
So far, I find that my colleagues are really quite fun. I suppose the fact that I am a little late in my "growing up" process might help a bit. Hahaha..... so I can still relate to them you see....since I have just found out that one of them just graduated from primary school when I started my first year in college.
Dang... finding out about this just accelerated my aging process. hahahahaha.....
I felt really old .. well just for a split second before I completely forgot about it again (until now, of course).

I also just found out over the weekend that some of my classmates from my last program are making more than twice my current salary. I would be lying if I said that it didn't get to me at all, but.... for some reason I really don't feel that it's that big of a deal.
The way I look at it, I am slightly behind, coz I went slightly off track, but I seriously think I'm heading the right way this time.
I can really see myself doing this kind of work in the long run, believe it or not.
Now, if only I can somehow reconcile my expectation with the fact that this particular field of work in this particular sector is quite notorious for its low pay.

One of my friends asked today if I feel excited at all about going to work when I wake up in the morning.
Although it took me a few seconds, I am still quite impressed that I actually said yes.
SO there you go...., I love my low-paying job!
And for that matter, while it is giving me a headache, I love my new phone too!
Thanks, Boss (for the job)! Thanks, Mom and Bro(for the phone)!
And thanks to you, bluecactus and dimcorner, for introducing me to one of my all-time favorite songs ( although I seriously feel as weak as Superman in krytonite-filled bathtub right now).

One week anniversary: Me heart job

2007-04-13T11:48:00.000-05:00

So there you go....
My first week at my new job ended up with a Friday 13th.
I'm not really sure whether or not that's a sign of anything to come. ^_^

So far my new colleagues seem to be really nice.
I've been going out with them for lunches the past week since I thought it would be a good chance to get to know them better. And today a whole bunch of us (including 2 pregnant colleagues) squeezed ourselves at a tiny table at the food court and had lunch together.
It was quite fun actually....but unfortunately I'm afraid I might not be able to do it as often come next Monday, as I really need to get back to my program.
(I gained 3 kg in a week, for cryin' out loud!!!)

I have just realized a few seconds ago, that I almost forgot I actually signed up for this particular workshop this Saturday.
The ironic thing is that.... part of the workshop is on how to increase your brain power to improve your memory.
I suppose it just goes to show how critically important it is for me to attend this workshop :P

First day

2007-04-09T09:56:00.000-05:00

Nervous.
Clueless.
Tired but can't possibly sleep ( ended up dozing off a few times. I am keeping my fingers crossed that nobody except the colleague next to me noticed).
Went to attend the wake for a classmate's father.
Gosh, I'm too tired to even come up with full sentences.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........................

Hope Mom,Dad and Gramps are enjoying their trip.
Hope I don't get fired before end of my probation.
Hope I don't embarass myself at work.
Hope I'll find out that my bosses and new colleagues are genuinely nice people.
Hope.........

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................

2007-04-05T07:22:00.000-05:00

I wanna get twitterized but I can't seem to get it done correctly.
: (

Me? Green?

2007-04-04T12:54:00.000-05:00

(Previous title: I AM GREEN!! Revised title to avoid potential misinterpretation as pointed out by chicagodimcorner)

I've started counting down to a few events.
There's the wacky clan gathering this weekend to celebrate my maternal gramps' 60th anniversary (I'm gonna be missing this quiet peace that I have right now at this moment). There's also my parents and my gramps' trip to China (I'm involved as the planner despite my not joining them in the trip, so I'm a bit stuck). Then of course, there is this coming Monday, which oh-by-the-way is going to be my first day at work in my new job.
I just had a really tiring day and I am going to have another great, long day tomorrow.
I wish I had Heroes' Hiro Nakamura power to stop time.

I've noticed how people keep pointing out at how good my life is.
It's not that I'm denying it: I am fully aware at how good my life is, as I think I have mentioned tons of time to almost everybody I know.
(Ooops... I suppose it's my own fault for pointing it out to everybody in the first place :P)

But then again, I am having problem figuring out why people have to focus so much on how the grass is greener on the on the other side.
I mean I do envy some people sometimes, but not all the time. Only once in a while and even then it's almost always just for a minute or two of daydreaming and that's it.
Of course, occasionally I might wonder if things had been different had I done some things differently, but I think I stop feeling that life is in anyway better for others.
God(s) has (have) been really nice to me by giving me an imperfect life to live. My totally imperfect self. My totally imperfect brain.My totally imperfect family. My totally imperfect life.
And it's all GOOD.

As a kid, I went through a period in which I thought God was playing a really cruel joke on me. I went through a rather long period of self-loathing, people-loathing, world-loathing, and all that crap, but I got through it and I think I stopped seeing the greener grass on the other side a while back. Most of the time now I only see a different shade of green now,be it emerald or jade, forest green or fern green, jungle green or sea green.
I see a different type of grass texture perhaps. A different root, a different length. That's it.

I suppose that's why it kind of gets to me sometimes when people come up to me and tell me in an envious tone at how good my life is or how fortunate or lucky I am compared to who and who.
The way I look at it, everybody's got their own sh*t to deal with. And mine is definitely gonna be different than yours.
And who knows what the real sh*t is that you're dealing with? So when we're in no way directly comparable to each other, how to tell when my side is greener than yours?

To me, all this talk about being green or greener is basically comparable to Brainy Smurf pointing out to Papa Smurf at how blue he is, or Doc or Sneezy pointing out to Grumpy that he's a dwarf.

So to all these people that I have been in contact with, let me just say:
ARE YOU COLOR BLIND? We're all GREEN!!!

Good morning, sunshine!

2007-03-24T18:48:00.000-05:00

There are definitely times when I can't believe how nice GOD(s) is to me.
And this morning is definitely one of those days.
I wished for something just last night, and I got exactly what I wished for this morning.
7.42 am local time. Boy... GOD can sure be quite efficient some time.

After a follow-up appointment at the doctor's, I was initially planning to go shop for some decent work outfits (It won't be funny to run out of clothes to wear on a weekday, I don't think).
However, the idea of shopping on a saturday afternoon I suppose has somehow developed into a nightmarish picture to me. I chickened out and decided to stay at home instead.
I was ready to just decompose for the day, when my grandparents came home early.
Just one look at them and I knew how bored they were (thanks to those kids and grand kids who are so busy they can't even spare an hour or so every few weeks to just drop by and say hi).
Suddenly, I had one of my lightbulb moments and one word popped out: MAHJONG.

So my grandma and I had our first Mahjong 101 session with Grandpa as the instructor. It was quite fun to see how Grandma went from coyly peeking at Grandpa and me every once in a while, repeating every other minute or so that she knows nothing about mahjong, to dragging her own chair to join us. Before we knew it, she was already developing her own style in picking up her tiles and yelling PONG! like nobody's business. By the time we called it the day, a few hours had passed without us realizing it.

I'm just glad I chickened out of shopping today. It sure was more than worth it to see my grandpa's face lit up when I suggested that he teach me how to play the game. I'm just glad I found them something to do. Maybe next time I can arrange for a weekly mahjong game for them.

the good (intentions), the bad (girl) and the ugly (outcome)

2007-03-23T08:28:00.000-05:00

There's a saying in Indonesian:
Semut di seberang lautan tampak, gajah di pelupuk mata tiada tampak.
It basically refers to how one can clearly see "an ant" across the ocean, while being oblivious to "the elephant" right under one's nose.

Interesting how fast people can judge a situation, "pinpoint" exactly the problem, and identify the culprit responsible for the situation, literally from thousands of miles away.
It didn't help that I pointed out that he had never been in my situation.
It didn't help that all the while I was thinking: "You are not even here. What do you know?"
It didn't help that at the back of my mind I kept thinking: "Speak for yourself.... Do you know how many complains I have received about you?"
It certainly didn't help also that I lost my cool and raised my voice when I felt I was being attacked, for a decision I made thinking that was the best for everyone.
It certainly sucks being the youngest in the family.

Anyway,
I really had no intention and I still fail to see how such a tiny decision of mine, driven by nothing but good intentions, can hurt anyone or at the very least negatively affect anyone in any way.
I really don't see why it has to be blown out ouf proportion like this. I came up with that idea with nothing but good intentions in mind.

It's interesting how some outsiders feel that I pay too much attention to my family's needs and wants, that I am not living my own life so to speak, while some insiders feel that I am a self-centered, spoilt brat, who cares about nothing but myself.
I find it a bit funny actually when I try to zoom out and look at the whole thing.

Anyway, this whole thing just reminds me of something that crossed my mind the other day.
I was watching a tv show and there was this dialog in i about a past mistake: A wrong decision again done with nothing but good intentions in mind, that might have hurt someone.
It reminded me of something I decided to do, and actually did, a few years ago.
Sometimes, just once in a blue moon perhaps, the cheesy bit in me would wonder if I somehow had hurt anyone's feelings. But at the same time, the critical rational bit in me goes: "Neahhhh....You did the best you could, girl!"
And then all's well again in my self-centered land....
I guess ...

There's someone that I really wish I could have a chat with right now, but I suppose there's no point in trying to talk to someone who doesn't really enjoy talking to you.

2007-03-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

The lazy bum in me is using my knee as an excuse to skip my training.
For the most part though, I still think it is the best thing to do.
I'd rather wait until I get the doc's approval on Saturday before I start kicking again.